“I’ve been dating (fucking) this guy for the better part of two years. Yes, you read that correctly. Recently it’s come to a point where I must walk away. I know he sees this other girl. Although we are not exclusive, it irks me that he is doing the most to win her over (tricking so hard) when he has never even taken me on a sit down to eat date. NC, I was going through this man’s phone at 4 in the morning and started crying. Not because of what he wrote to this other girl or the thirsty DMs he sends daily to random bitches on Instagram. I was crying because I am a 28-year-old woman sitting on the bathroom floor of a man’s one bedroom apartment that he shares with his cousin, trying to gather evidence to leave him when I’m not even with him. Your girl is Basica Alba on steroids, and it would be funny if it were not so tragic. Last week after I told him I needed time away, he stepped his affection up. He even came to pick me up from work with flowers, a first in 20 months of knowing him. He calls me his rock, his inspiration, his best friend. I am far from stupid. He doesn’t mean it. Still, a huge chunk of me still has hope. My question to you is why is he doing this? I have friends who have also been through similar situations so it’s not all about me. Why don’t men let go so we can go off and be free and happy? In my case he has another girl he’s dating, he also has girls at work that I know like him, so why me? What makes me so special that he can’t let me go and just be with one of those other women? I want to be free of this but it’s impossible when he refuses to release his grip.”
No matter how much I touch on this topic, it always pops back up—If He Doesn’t Want A Relationship Why Won’t He Let Me Go? Let’s backtrack. At what point do women sell their souls to these men, first date…second date…day after sex…? Is this contract written in blood or glitter ink? Is it notarized? Does your pussy get micro-chipped? Is there a FindMyBottomBitch App that tracks you down the moment you dare to smile at another nigga? No! There is no transfer of power from you to any man, you’re not his property, you’re a grown ass woman who is always free to come and go as she pleases. The problem isn’t that the man won’t let you go, the problem is that you keep looking for reasons to stay. Be honest, you don’t want another man. You don’t want to get to know someone new. You definitely don’t want to see him move on. The reason you stay after each bullshit ultimatum or hollow breakup is that you are afraid to start over. The devil you know takes you for granted, talks down to you, and is one drunken night from coming back and bringing you an STD, but you convince yourself he’s better than the devil you don’t know.
You’re not a victim, you’re a coward. You have the power of choice, right? You can open your mouth and tell him to fuck off every time he reaches out. You can block his number and unfriend him from every social media app. Even if he manages to sneak in an email or message, you can choose not to read it. Even if he shows up at your steps, you can choose not to open the door. Name an excuse and I will name a solution! Yet, here you are running off at the mouth about—he won’t leave me alone. There is something called a restraining order that works wonders, ask Karrueche. “It’s not that serious, I don’t need to do that” exactly because you know you’re exaggerating! He’s not really going above and beyond to stay in your life, he’s doing the basics, and you eat it up. You take a man calling or reaching out through an app after you tell him to stay away as this epic endeavor. The nigga didn’t drive 300 miles and then climb through your window, he typed on his phone while bored at work or sitting on his toilet—stop making his attempt to get you back seem so extraordinary!
These men don’t leave you alone because they know you’re full of shit. Every man reading this that’s slept with at least 10 women knows that 9 out of 10 of those women were emotionally dishonest. Girls hide their true feelings better than Kylie Jenner hid that baby. Why? Because you don’t want to be vulnerable. Bottle it up, put on a front, but we both know internally you’re a mess. I’m not some average chick that sits around crying over a boy—your mouth isn’t matching your actions! You hate to let a man know that he owns your heart and has control of your brain. You hate the fact that you allowed a flawed man who doesn’t even want you to crawl under your skin and hijack your common sense. You hate yourself for becoming the typical chick that you used to make fun of when you were younger. The combination of dick, attention, and unaddressed childhood issues have convinced you that you’re a puppet on a man’s string, helpless to escape when you have the power to cut those strings anytime you feel.
Baby, please don’t go. You know I love you. Leave then, I don’t need you. Hey, just checking in to say I miss you… Is he Gaslighting you, of course, that’s what ain’t shit men do. Yet, when you confront him and ask him to let you go, you prove that you’re no longer in the dark. You are conscious that a man is using manipulation to guilt you into staying and isn’t above all sorts of push-and-pull reverse psychology tactics. Nevertheless, you entertain him long after you figure out his hustle. I’m not trying to place this blame on the women, no one asks to be manipulated. “Then tell your fellow man to fall back and leave us alone,” that won’t save you. A man will always be an opportunist until he’s matched against a woman that stands her ground. This isn’t a one-off problem. If one man smells the weakness in you, the next one will, and the cycle will repeat until you’re in your late 30’s and broken beyond repair. How do you Spartan Up right now and kill these feelings that keep you chained to excuse making? You reverse engineer the brainwashing.
There’s so many women other women…
That guy who always argues with you could leave and go find a woman who doesn’t work his nerves. That long distance bae could easily find a local woman in his city and stop blowing up your phone. If all he wants from you is sex, then why doesn’t he go on plenty of fish and find some thirsty jump off to bust it open? I hope those of you that have read this site for years or picked up any of my book wouldn’t be this ignorant towards male psychology. Have I failed you or are you just bad at reading comprehension? Listen! Getting headache free sex or having someone at your beck and call isn’t as common as you would like to believe. In your imagination you think because you’re a sucker for him that other women would do the same. You see girls flirting with him or see his popularity online and feel that he has his pick of them. Women are teases, they hunt for attention, and contrary to popular belief, even the ones that thirst trap can and will reject a man you think of as some kind of god. Not every girl is going to be as easy to get as you were or as quick to put up with his inconsistent ways as you do. The narrative you’re trying to paint when you bring other women into the equation is this: He can have other women, but he’s still hanging around me despite his complaints so there has to be something deeper between us. Ha!
I once gave advice to a woman who dated an actor on one of those network TV shows that only people over 50 watch. The dating stage was cool, then once sex was introduced that’s all it became. Her hopes of being Mrs. Kinda-famous TV Actor went out of the window, and she found herself as Just Pussy. Her question was like most, “there are so many women who would sleep with a man that has his looks and his money, why does he keep coming to me?” Because you’re convenient! It’s ironic given that men are notorious for cheating when in an official relationship, but when they’re single with a FWB they’re not as inspired to go out pussy hunting. During a relationship, he’s chained, so new pussy becomes a goal, an emancipation of sorts. But when he’s not tied to a woman, there is no cabin fever motivation. Sure he’ll fuck something that falls into his lap, but he’s not actively pursuing it. Some of you mistake a man being content with a man being satisfied, “We’re not official, but he’s not sleeping with anyone else that means I’m doing something right,” oh Basica, your Ego remains larger than your IQ. Those other women you think he can go get are not guaranteed but guess who is—your ditsy ass. He fucked you after a few weeks, he doesn’t have to impress you with dates, he knows he doesn’t have to come with A1 dick or even make you cum half the time, he knows you won’t ask him questions, you bark but never bite, and he’s comfortable with that arrangement. Don’t confuse comfort with love, you are valuable in the same way an Alexa is when you need to turn on the lights, as a convenience, not a necessity. Lazy men don’t let go because it’s cheaper to kiss your ass and put you back in your place. You’re a trained dog. You know the real him, the flawed side of him, the asshole side of him, and you still stick around—it’s not about other women at all—it’s about power. He has power over you already, so why risk that with a woman who may not beg and roll over for him?
He Doesn’t Want You
You want to believe that a man who doesn’t let go of you, one who keeps calling, texting, or reaching out after you told him it’s over is showing you his true feelings—that he loves you and would hate to lose you. Common sense tells you he would have treated you better if he really wanted you, and that all his feeble attempts are him reacting to being told he can’t have something. That silly little romantic inside of you cancels out this common sense. You want to believe the apology he texts, the tears he brings out when on the phone, and that the effort he is now showing is the true him. Two sides of your mind go to war, and in your confusion, you are looking for someone to say, “He won’t let you go because it’s true love, go back to him, give it a shot.” You want permission to be basic because that absolves you of your mistakes. He doesn’t love you, he barely even likes you, he keeps you in his pocket because insecure men always need someone weaker to rule over to feel better about their own lives. He wants the physical, he wants the comfort, he wants the ability to pick you up and put you down when he’s done, but he doesn’t want you in the all encompassing way a man in love wants his Game Changer.
I’m dating a man who won’t give me a clear answer on what we are…
I’ve been with a man for years, and I’m still waiting for him to propose…
I have an ex who keeps popping back up, does he really want me this time…
Passive. Passive. Passive! It’s time to stop saying, “but he won’t let go,” and start taking ownership of your power. You’re a grown woman, why would you ever wait for some man to decide what he wants you to be? Why is he in charge of your fate? Open your mouth, say what you want, ask what he’s looking for… If you’re not on the same page, go find someone that will give you the value you deserve. Breaking up is harder than it sounds, getting back out there is a chore, but it’s better to leave that comfort zone than to wait around for someone to affirm that you were just a Placeholder. No one can stay in your life unless you allow it. There’s a million ways to cut someone off, and you won’t even stick to one. Your excuses are weak and transparent, and I will drag you up and down until you admit it. You like his renewed attention, you like fake-complaining to your friends that he’s stalking you, or you like being able to say you have a man even when he’s not a very good one. I’ve heard every excuse in the book from husbands who wouldn’t sign divorce papers to girls in situationships who kept going back thinking it would finally lead to something and they all ended up full of regret that they didn’t listen to me when I first told them to be proactive. I don’t care what he says or how different you think your situation is, it’s time to stop lying to yourself. You’re not building, you’re being wasted.
You left your mark on me,
And I can’t seem to get it to fade.
You cut me open so deeply,
I know my blood’s still on your blade.
You didn’t deserve a space in my universe,
But somehow I still let you in.
Trying to bare my soul to your unopened eyes
Is still my greatest sin.
I wonder when I’ll forget you,
And release you from these ties.
I guess I’m still dealing with the effects,
Of loving the wrong guy. -Mariya Cha’nel
You aren’t a boss, you are the boss. You make the rules, you uphold those rules, and anyone who doesn’t fall in line with the moves you’re trying to make is expendable. I can do better is your motto and Fuck’em is your uniform! It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship, situationship, marriage, or any other romantic situation where you feel as if you can’t leave until the man agrees to let you go, know that you are not beholden to anyone! Who are you? Effortlessly strong, eternally persevering, a Goddess in the flesh who even when stumbling can never truly fall! There is nothing that can defeat a woman that knows who she is and understands how to tap into her power. He didn’t see the special in you, oh fucking well. He will go on to love another woman, sucks for her dumb ass. He was the only person to make you feel special, cancel those weak ass thoughts! Indecisive little men grow on trees, they pick girls up, just to put them down, and even they can’t tell you the exact reasons for these moves. What doesn’t grow on trees is the person reading these words. You are all you will ever need. That person that stares back in the mirror each morning has the power to start over, to learn, adapt, manifest, and attract all she will ever need to be happy. The question isn’t why he won’t let you go, it’s why won’t you let this asinine idea of needing a man to complete you go. Most people will fall in love with the wrong one, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of. That aftermath isn’t a death, it’s a rebirth. Clarity–he’s not the one. Closure–he was never going to be the one. Accept that and move the fuck on! You are the gateway to your salvation, but you won’t get there while still consumed by why some low-vibrational peasant didn’t want you. Wake up, Spartan Up, and never look back.
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