95% of the people that I know on a personal basis have cheated or been cheated on, that goes for both men and women, multiple races, from rich to poor, this problem does not discriminate. Don’t take my word for it, how many people in your life have cheated or been cheated on? Add it up. From high school to adulthood, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, and maybe your own life story, the truth is evident—cheating is an epidemic that has touched all of us, but no one wants to talk about it beyond “if they cheat, leave.” Let’s keep it 100, people rarely leave after the first time someone cheats. No one knows how they will react until they are forced to deal with it personally, before that it’s just tough talk and pretty quotes that make you look empowered. You think it won’t happen to you, you think you’re too special, too fine, or too woke, but you’re not. Life will humble that ass and you will need better guidance than hollow relationship quotes. I want to discuss, in depth, suggestions on what to do next, because it’s hard to find unbiased advice when you’re hurt and people are telling you the same generic solutions about how you deserve better when all you want is to understand why it happened in the first place so you can prevent it from happening again.
I’ve heard every cheating situation you could think of, and I’ve helped a lot of people bounce back without going through a bunch of messiness. A lot of the stories I’m told or I’m sent are funny; the type of shit that would be a viral twitter thread just like #HurtBae, until you realize that someone’s heart is at the other end of the punch line. I remember my buddy telling me how he fucked this girl in the men’s room stall of a club while his girlfriend of two years was in the ladies room a few feet away— oh, and that girl taking his dick while bent over a nasty Hollywood toilet was his girlfriend’s best friend who was visiting LA that weekend. I had one girl email me a story about sucking her boyfriend’s roommate’s dick after he left to go pick them up Chinese food. Homie came back and was confused as to why they kept giggling all night… (maybe because you kept kissing her with your roomie’s dick still on her breath, bro). In my own life, I remember getting my nerdy homeboy to hack into my LDR girlfriend’s voicemail because I knew by the way she was acting on the phone something was going on. Sure enough we pulled up some old James Earl Jones sounding nigga talking about how he couldn’t wait for their weekend meetup. When I confronted her with the receipts she responded with a list of names, “Well who’s Shannon, Miesha, Kim, and don’t think I never knew about Crystal.” fuck… she had me. Funny thing about a lot of women, they KNOW you’re cheating, but will hold it in like an airplane shit, only to let the chopper fly at the right moment.
The point is, this world is filled with people who cheat for all kinds of reasons. Just because… tit for that… fear of commitment. The elephant in the room that NO ONE wants to talk about is that you can’t really do shit to stop someone from cheating on you because you don’t know what will trigger that cheating. This makes you feel uncomfortable because you hate not being in control. You just want your love to be enough to keep a person loyal, and the fact that you have to wait and see if a person disappoints you or not, over the course of months or even years, scares the fuck out of you, especially those of you that have been cheated on before, because you already have an insecurity in terms of not being good enough to prevent it. Let’s first start with something that will limit your anxiety and paranoia and help you understand the bigger picture.
The uglier the truth, the truer the friend…
“Why be with me if you’re going to cheat?” “If you’re going to cheat, don’t even talk to me!” Most people don’t get into a relationship planning to cheat, dumb ass. Life doesn’t work like, “All those that don’t want me for real, go over there. All those that actually want me and will be faithful forever, come over here…” Humans are complicated, they grow together only to grow apart, they have lapses in judgment, they move emotionally, in short—the person you start dating could tell you they would never hurt you or waste your time, and be sincere, only to falter later. People will do shit they couldn’t have predicted on the first date, the fourth date, or the day you both decided to be official. It’s not as basic as getting it out of your system or not being a good person. People as old as Meg Ryan cheated. People as good hearted as JFK cheated. My point is you can’t fix your face to say you know how to stop cheating or how to avoid cheaters, because 9 out of 10 times that person doesn’t even know they have the potential to cheat until they’re put to the test. No matter if it’s lack of attention, lust, or just plain old something to do out of boredom, you can’t predict that hole that will need to be filled.
“Boys cheat because she’s not fucking him right.” “Girls cheat because he’s being distant,” is cookie cutter bullshit. Tell me your solution is to fuck your man every night, have threesums, and be a super freak, and I’ll point out people that still cheated even when they were getting that type of Porno treatment. Show me a woman who had all the attention showered on her and was emotionally fulfilled, and I’ll put you on the phone with one of my homegirls that still fucks around on her husband just because she likes new dick every now and then. Tell me it’s because the person isn’t happy with the one they’re with, and I’ll look to one of my good friends that cheated the first year he was married, told me he just wanted to see if he could, then never did it again. They’re still happily married and now have three kids. There is often no rhyme or reason, no neat mold all cheaters fit in, and no universal solution. Each person that cheats, does so for a reason different from the next, therefore, unless your mutant powers are time travel & telepathy, you won’t stop someone from cheating, that task is and will ALWAYS be on the shoulders of the person doing the cheating. All you can do is react in a smart and decisive way afterwards so you’ll never have to go through that kind of hurt again.
Since you can’t control cheating, you will try to rationalize it with various theories. Some of them will be true a few times, but never all the time or even half of the time. The first theory is looks. I’ve heard naïve girls say, “why do men cheat with a girl that’s not even as pretty, if you’re going to risk it make her worth it.” It’s never worth it, dumb ass, it’s usually the easiest and most convenient option that fulfills his lust nut. Do you really think a hard dick is going to discriminate like, “No, our girl is a 9, we can only fuck a 10, keep looking,” fuqqqq no! A guy tempted past his limit is going to fuck regardless of looks because he’s looking for a fetish experience, not to replace what he has. Next up is money and treatment. It wasn’t until social media that I saw these soft ass guys rant about all they did for a woman and she still cheated. It’s not about spending money or telling her you love her every day, my G, if she feels you neglect her emotionally or don’t speak her love language, that bag you bought her will be tossed on a broke nigga’s futon while he’s making her feel loved in the ways you don’t know how. One of my favorites is women who think they can keep their man faithful by smothering him so he doesn’t have time to cheat. That nigga can post you on Snap, IG, and FB, 24-7 and still find time to slide up in another bitch while people are liking those “goals” pictures of the dinner you cooked for him last night. None of that young shit matters! These theories are all about you attempting to check off the list of, “do this to keep them from straying” and become someone that can’t be cheated on. As I just pointed out, that’s impossible. You can be Beyoncé pretty, you can be spending bank on your boo like you’re Quavo, or do whatever romantic or loyal thing someone is telling you to do to prevent cheating, and still end up right back here confused.
If the Lemonade narrative is true, Jay-Z likely cheated for the same reason my friend I mentioned earlier did– ego. It’s not about a pretty wife, a bank account, or how often you two have sex. It’s about the dwindling ego of a man that just needs to feel alive. Men like Jay-Z, the popular, the wealthy, those that had a pick of women, chase former glory, they aren’t content with current trophies! Think about the guys you went to school with that were student athletes, the local D-boys, or any pretty boy that had his pick of thirsty girls, you think they transitioned into monogamy easy? Young pussy, threesomes, sexting, video sessions, niggas in relationships get caught up with at least one of those things every day! You can sit there and cry, “One woman should be enough,” but you’re missing the point. Some men need to feel that rush of “women still want me” and it doesn’t matter if he has a Beyoncé at home or a you at home, he’s going to sneak and get it. Most men can’t look a woman in her eye and say– I don’t understand why I feel a need to be greedy, help me. Remember, males are stubborn, we don’t express the intimate details of our minds. We think we can handle hanging out with other females alone, we think we can get away with light touching, we think we can just get a quick dance or back rub, then the next thing you know you’re kissing on her, and your dick’s out and you aren’t going to turn back because of what you have at home. A man will keep going because a woman wanting to fuck him is a high, and if it’s a new woman who he hasn’t experienced before, that feeling becomes more potent than cocaine. When Hov was cheating I’m sure he rationalized it in his head like “I deserve this… she’ll never know… it’s her fault… all the fellas do it… fuck it,” because as I just pointed out, guys rarely open up and ask for help handling a problem this embedded, they simply walk around until some girl tempts and triggers them. The problem with that is that if a girl isn’t forgiving then he blew something special for an empty high.
Here’s the ugly truth: If you don’t cheat and haven’t been cheated on—it’s most likely going to happen. If you feel that’s negative and wishing ill will onto you, then stop reading right now and come back after it happens… go! But if you recognize that the odds aren’t in your favor to make it out of this game of life without experiencing betrayal and want to at least be prepared, then keep reading. I’m not going to tell you a bunch of horror stories to scare you and I’m not going to get into the big psychological and spiritual breakdown of “how can someone who loves you cheat” because I already wrote an entire Chapter in Men Don’t Love Women Like You about that. Instead I’m going to make this a guide for men and women both, that find themselves at that sad, lonely, confusing moment when they realize they’re being cheated on, and trying to figure out what to do next.
So, You’ve Been Cheated On: What Next
I went through his phone. I found out he’s been talking to other women. What do I do with this evidence? If I confront him, he’ll know I invaded his privacy.
I have a good 30+ stories like that where a woman has caught her man sexting, trying to get at a woman on social media, or even messaging an Ex and are confused as to what to do because they are ashamed of their own sneaky methods. Most sit on it and never say anything and let that shit eat away at them for months, even years. That’s Weak Bitch 101! You have HARD proof in the form of “I can’t wait to taste your pussy again,” “Tell me how much you miss this dick,” or a series of nudes from both parties, yet you’re the one feeling in the wrong? Stop being so damn soft! What’s more wrong, unlocking an iPhone or going raw in a hoe then coming home to go raw in you? Now is not the time to feel guilty! Yeah you invaded their privacy, because like the police, you had probable cause. Oh, and guess what you found—evidence for a conviction! A person that’s cheating will turn the tables and call you foul for snooping around, but they were creeping around in pussy, you were creeping around passwords, which is worse? The only solution is to confront them, own up to what you did and not give a fuck because the ends justified the means.
Let’s say you didn’t find out from spying, you had someone bring you proof. A friend saw your BF/GF a little too cozy with a third party. The other person popped up in your inbox with receipts. The list can go on, the point being you had no clue and it blindsides you. What now?
The Good Cop Method: In interrogations, the Bad Cop talks shit, threatens and tries to bully. The Good Cop is your friend, he tells you it’s not that bad, and he can work with you if you tell him what he needs to know. Understanding human psychology is key! People who fuck up don’t want to live with that guilt. To know this will help you pull all kinds of truth out of them without once raising your voice. Laying hands, destroying property, bringing other people into the drama, public embarrassment, etc… doesn’t change anything or net you the truth. It may feel better than sitting in a room and crying, but in the end, it leaves you at square one after you calm down: I still need to know why.
Here’s what you do. The moment you find out, regardless of how it’s brought to you, have a face to face. I know most of you are text heavy because you can express things through typing better and with less fear than in person. Fuck that. You need to have a face to face. Damn near every text break up after cheating or screaming phone call where you say you’re cutting ties is temporary. Trust me, I see it weekly in the screenshots people send me. You get all of that anger out, then a few days later you have questions. Those questions eat at you until you unblock that person or reach out to that person, and then you become just like every typical person that’s been cheated on—back where you started. A person that cheats already knows what they’re going to say if they ever get caught, and if you give them time to perfect their story or apology, that shit will come off sounding believable as hell. Next thing you know you’re having make up sex, and instead of “Never call me again, you piece of shit!” it’s “Yeah, I still love you.” The shit is so predictable when you’re not the one involved, but when you are, it’s hard to stop. Therefore, you go the Good Cop route from jump…
Set up the face to face meeting, preferably at their place so you can leave as opposed to deal with the drama of making them leave. In a car parked outside is also a good spot. Your agenda is to come like the proverbial Good Cop, and ask if they want to tell you something. Of course they don’t, liars lie until you literally pull out footage. Lay it in easy, tell them you know they cheated, but you’re not mad, just confused. Their voice will raise, they’ll act wounded, and play the victim. Don’t take the bait. No ratchet ass handclaps, no screaming over them, no cursing, no crying, none of that basic shit. You keep a cool, calm, tone—Rick Ross not Busta Rhymes. Present your evidence and once again remind them that you’re not upset (you are) you just want to know why it happened so you two can work it out. They will fight against honesty because being honest is the hardest thing for someone in this position, but don’t let up. Remember, interrogations depend on slow pressure over time. Wait that shit out. They’ll try to change the subject, try to discredit the person who told you or the person they cheated with, every trick in the book to make it seem like they’re innocent. Don’t break. Repeat yourself until he/she gets annoyed, “Just tell me, it’s really not that big of a deal, if you talk to me.” They will eventually take your bait. Why? Because a guilty person knows that if you go find more evidence they just dug themselves a hole by lying repeatedly. Once they break and tell you the truth about what you already know, you will have gained clarity faster than you would normally.
You got your why. You got your excuse. You got your story. There will be things that don’t add up or make sense right away, but don’t be one of these overthinking Basicas that keeps asking a cheating man the same damn questions as if it’ll sound less painful the fourth time. Accept what they’re saying, don’t fight it because you don’t have to believe them, you’re simply gathering evidence in the form this deposition. Thank them for being honest, like the Good Cop you are, then part ways so you can begin the next part of this mission. For the fellas, don’t fall for the Yandy tears. When a woman cries, it’s hard not to react, but you can’t rush to make up or tell her you forgive her just because she’s pouring her heart out with snot dripping. Ask whatever lingering questions you have as if your Clive Owen in Closer, and then tell her you’ll call in a few days. Same thing with the ladies, ask any follow up questions you need to understand better, then say goodbye—no sleep over because it’s late at night, no kissing, walk away. This is the most important part. Good Cop them. Hear their reason. Hear their apology. Don’t accept shit. Hit them with a To Be Continued, and dip. This is non-negotiable.
The next part of this will be to weigh the facts. I know the consensus is once a cheater always a cheater, there are proofs of this and exceptions, so make up your own mind. Don’t let someone who’s single and bitter tell you what to do or don’t do. Don’t let some fake internet love doctor that’s bored on their lunch break at The Gap and talking about, “if you don’t leave the first time, you get what you deserve,” cloud your judgement. Think it through and then make your choice based on the facts of your situation, not the boiling of your emotions. Now that you know their “why” it’s time to ask your own “why…should I stay?” over the course of a week or two. But what if you play Good Cop and all that person does is stick to the lie. Even better! The purpose is to get to the core of the cheating, and by holding onto a proven lie, that person proves they are and will always be a liar, which makes your job that much easier of sending them on their fucking way without fear of having made a mistake. This method has worked every time I’ve given it out as an assignment, have confidence in it!
Common Mistakes To Avoid
Telling the world your business: I understand that a lot of you don’t have real friends or the internet has become like your diary in terms of over-sharing, but the first rule is NEVER put your business online for all to read. Not because they’ll judge you, but because when going through an emotional roller coaster you need the clarity of thought, not a bunch of opinions from people who just want a juicy story. You’re not a Real Housewives cast member, you’re not getting paid to expose your mess, so, why do it? Attention? It’s damn sure not for expert analysis because half the people that will respond are idiots or trolls. In your real world, only talk to a select few that you trust. If you run and tell everyone, you’re sabotaging your future. Let’s say you tell a group of women at work and they tell another group now everyone knows and feels sorry for you. After a month of you having time to think, you decide to try to work it out. Those women will not only talk behind your back, they ruin your support system. If you two are having a fight about something unrelated to cheating it’ll be, “Should have been left his cheating ass.” You can’t be mad at them, you created that!
No matter if it’s a work friend, a school friend, or your family member, they don’t want you to be with someone that hurt you. Yes, you can sit and tell them how he’s acting right, but they don’t love him or care for him like you do, the moment he cheats on you—he’s the enemy. Men keep shit like that to themselves unless they already broke up months prior, because they don’t want the drama of telling anyone they’re still fucking with a girl that fucked around because they look like suckers. Yet women, most being sharers by natures, can’t wait to tell their story without looking at the bigger picture that anyone you tell will forever dislike that person, even if they smile in your face and say, “I’m happy y’all working it out.” Unless you want to hear someone’s mouth, get shade thrown about your intelligence, or have people trying to hook you up with “better” options while you’re still in a relationship, keep who you tell limited and exclusive.
Accepting “I’m Sorry” at face value: A sorry isn’t worth shit. Let’s keep it real, no one is sorry, they’re sorry they got caught. Fucking someone else is a process. You have to know them. Be alone with them. And then get on the same page to have consensual sex. No one is falling into pussy or tripping onto a dick too fast to stop it or think about what they’re doing. You don’t need a sorry, you need to understand the reasoning for it, the logic in their own words, and then time to sit by yourself and weigh all the evidence so you can decide if they’re being honest or just trying to hide a deeper problem by telling you what you want to hear. Most of you stop talking for a few days, get an apology, get a promise, and accept it without going deeper into the psychology of your mate’s choice. Maybe you don’t care, maybe you don’t want to keep thinking about it, maybe they’ll give you a reason that hurts your ego, so you prefer to sweep it under the rug… doesn’t matter, you must explore the reasoning right after it happens or that person will not respect you going forward. The truth about serial cheaters has nothing to do with being hard headed or addicted, it’s because they know they will be forgiven easily. Let’s say your forgiven boyfriend is out with the fellas and this girl is giving him attention, what’s going to stop him from taking her phone number? Not the fact that you yelled at him or bust his car windows. It’s going to be the fact that you didn’t make it easy for him to come back with just an apology. A man will risk property damage, happily pay for apology gifts, and repeat the same “sorry” speech, and just take the new pussy that’s being thrown at him. But if he knows that the last time you had this big talk and exploration about “why” and he’ll have to go back again and do the same thing, and can’t say the shit he said last time, he’ll reconsider because to do it again knowing how you reacted the first time, proves that you will end it for sure. Go deeper than “sorry”!
Using New Dick or Pussy for Revenge: They fucked someone, you go fuck someone, that’ll make you feel better. Not really. Sex itself may feel good in the moment, but when that other person is gone and you’re back in your feelings, what then? If you’re a guy that was cheated on and you’re fucking some random pussy in an attempt to light that fire back under your broken ego, it’s a quick fix but not a long-term solution. Let’s say you destroy that bounce back pussy, have shorty climbing the walls and are choking her to near death levels because you’re that heated. What do you think she’s going to do afterwards? Fellas, y’all know these women, they are not going to leave you alone if you make the mistake of giving them Fresh Out of Jail Dick. Now you have a situation. A new girl that’s going to start being annoying if you keep fucking her because she thinks she can fix you and love you until your ex is out of your mind. Women see a broken man as husband material because most of them are broken themselves. Mentally you don’t want anything but that revenge nut and to maybe throw it back in the face of that person that betrayed you, but physically you’re creating an entire situationship that you’ll be too emotionally drained to deal with. All for what? To prove your dick is bomb? Your dick had nothing to do with why she cheated, so revenge fucking won’t heal the larger rejection or compatibility problem. If you let a woman breaking your heart poison your mind to the point of becoming petty and misogynistic you will become one of these bitter niggas that spends years jumping from girl to girl, never trusting them, just seeing them as a hole, and playing that emotionally unavailable role, all because you didn’t take time to heal—you just started running through easy pussy. Be more mature than that.
In terms of women, most of you have that BUD (Back Up Dick) in your phone anyway. That guy you are platonic with but know you could fuck. The moment your boyfriend fucks a girl, you’re thinking “two can play this game.” Ponder that reasoning. Most of you held on to your virginity for a long time, still won’t sleep with a guy until you’re deep into dating, and genuinely treat sex like it’s precious. You’re going to toss your standards for sex out of the window, pick some guy from your contacts or entertain the first okay looking dude that flirts with you in the weeks after, and just give it away? “I’m going to show that fuck boy he messed up with the best woman he’s ever going to meet,” umm by letting a totally unrelated nigga bust a nut in you? Logic to Basica! You’re having sex to hurt him, so he can feel like you felt, but it doesn’t work that way. That gasoline you throw on the fire by going back and saying, “That’s why I fucked my work husband and his dick was bigger!” pushes you two apart, causes even more distrust, and all before you’ve taken time to decide if you want to stay or go. What if you don’t want to break up after all? Men have double standards, you think he’s going to understand why you did it? You think that makes you even? Fuck no. He’ll either break up with you or he’ll try to get over it, only to end up throwing that revenge dick in your face every chance he gets until you two end up breaking up for real.
You can’t sustain a relationship where both of you have trust issues! No matter how mad you are, gifting the luckiest nigga in your phone some ass is not a solution. Even if you don’t plan on going back to the person that cheated on you, why don’t you wait until the breakup is official to start introducing sex back into your life? Be emotionally free and ready, not mad and reckless with your body. Maybe you’re trying to jump from one man to the next. YOU CAN’T USE ONE MAN TO GET OVER ANOTHER MAN. That’s a rookie mistake! When you have sex under these circumstances the guy that’s benefiting from your boyfriend’s fuck up won’t want you either. A nigga will take sloppy seconds in terms of free pussy, but he’s not trying to be your man for real. You are damaged goods on a rebound, you just got destroyed emotionally, only a simp looking to hook a woman he can’t normally get would take you on as something serious at this point. If you’re having sex to have sex, do it. If you’re having sex just to piss that person off, recognize that if you stay or go, you just created unnecessary drama in your life and cheapened your vagina to get petty revenge.
Decision Time: If You Decide To Leave
Say Everything You Need to Say and Be at Peace: Notice how I told you to get the “why” out of the way early on? Because living with the “why” will fuck you up and cause you to relapse. I’ve seen it too many times with some very strong willed women. They break up immediately, don’t even entertain a second chance, then a month later they’re asking me, “Would it be Spartan of me to meet up with him for lunch just to talk?” What the hell do you have to say a month later that you couldn’t say a week later? If your mind is made up that you need to find someone else, why revisit the reason they cheated? It’s because most don’t get a clear understanding or proper closure, it’s just sex sex sex. Take your mind off the physical and ask about the emotional reasons at the time it first happens so you aren’t left with these unanswered questions or things you need to say. I don’t care if you write a letter and give it to them when you’re telling them it’s over, or have a long talk again where you finally break the news. Take. Your. Time! Don’t tell them to never call you again the moment it happens. Sit on it, come up with what a list of things you need to know. Depose them. Make your choice. Say what you need to say. THEN end it. Simple.
Treat It Like a Death, literally: Get all your things from their place or take all their things back to them that was left at your place and close the chapter. Don’t hold on clothes or electronics and give them a reason to come back into your life when you’re calmed down and vulnerable. Unfollow them from all social media and NEVER EVER stalk them or the person they cheated with. You don’t have to block their number, but you damn sure better have the will power not to text “happy birthday,” “hope your mother’s doing well,” “Remember that time we,” or any nostalgic crap that will pull you back into their sphere of influence. If you don’t have the will power to ignore, “I miss us,” then block them from the jump. You don’t respond to an Exes sadness or want to catch up, that proves you don’t have conviction. How can you move on and start the dating process if your one text away from breaking down and missing them? You are choosing to break up and find someone that you can trust without the baggage of what just happened, be an adult and stick to your fucking guns! “Why do they keep reaching out, I told them it was over,” No, why do you allow them to reach out in the age of blocking, instantly deleting emails before you read them, and the word, “Sorry, can’t talk,” if you see them in public? You have power over who gets to contact you repeatedly, the moment they try to come back, you need to exercise that power, not complain that they aren’t following the rules of the break up.
Don’t Fuck Them—Ever: She rode your dick like none other. He had an amazing stroke game that always made you cum. Emotionally you’re over them, but physically you still want to get that old nut off, and think you can handle going back If it’s only sex… are you that stupid or are you just a spoiled brat? Consistent sex with someone you loved will always pop into your head especially during those lonely months when you’re healing and not finding anyone you want to date. Why? Because it’s the lazy option! Even if you are over them, you are slowing up your rebound process. In the same way that people in situationships run back to the comfort of their fake relationship instead of putting themselves out there to find true love, you will use sex with your ex as a crutch. When you don’t have anyone to fuck, that puts pressure on you to date right so you can get back to that level of chemistry filled love making. But if you have that ex waiting every weekend to scratch your itch, what happens to your dating life? Everyone becomes not good enough and you have no patience to meet new people because you’re not inspired to work at new love, you’re content with old part-time sex. To heal and stay romantically aggressive, you must break up physically as well as emotionally.
Decision Time: If you Decide To Stay
Be Able to Name Their Trigger: Why did they cheat? If you can’t answer that in your own words plainly and honestly then you don’t need to be with them. Because they’re stupid… because girls are hoes… because you were being mean one weekend… because they were out with their ain’t shit friends and got caught up… are not real reasons! If you’re a guy and your girl said she cheated with an old college crush because it was during a time when you two were fighting, work was stressing, and she just had a death in the family, then you understand that her trigger was that feeling of being alone with no one who cared about her. You then put two and two together that the guy she cheated with was smart enough to expose those holes in her at the right time and get her to do something she wouldn’t have done if she wasn’t spiraling out of control. When taking her back, you must communicate that no matter what’s happening between them, she has to open up about those things, not just run off trying to numb the pain with someone with an agenda. See what I did there—I broke a bitch down! You should be smart enough to hear her story and do the same thing. If you don’t see any clear trigger and it feels as if she just was fucking to fuck, then that’s not a woman you need to be with because most likely her issues are more deep rooted and her nymphomania needs to be worked out with a therapist not a second chance.
For women, the same rules apply, tell me why your man cheated without giving a defensive or dismissive answer based on his stupidity or the willingness of “these hoe,”. For example, if he went out of town and hooked up with a girl, and you found evidence that he was still trying to see her, what was his “why”? If homie said that he and that stranger had a vibe, one thing lead to another, he wasn’t thinking, and after he got back he just kept it going because it was fun, what does that tell you about his character? His trigger was ego-stroking female attention and he lacks self-discipline. One of the many things I learned when researching and writing Ho Tactics is that an aggressive woman can pull most men she shoots her shot at if she knows how to sex bait. Culturally, men are not used to women pursuing us, and are rarely tested. What a guy says he wouldn’t do versus what he will do if shorty with the phat ass and hazel eyes is giving him the green light are two different things– theory versus the reality of his character. To meet a woman in Miami that comes sits next to him, jokes, laughs, and does sex bait tricks like holding his hand or “accidentally” rubbing her ass against him, will automatically send “what’s going on here,” signals that he wasn’t prepared for. She’s making him feel popular and feeding his ego. Even if dude says he has a girl, she still goes hard, and that triggers that man’s pleasure principle to the point where he’ll start to wonder if he should risk it. That voice in his head will be like, “damn, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity…” I repeat: How do you stay faithful in a room full of hoes? Not love. You leave the damn room! If your man is telling you he just couldn’t resist, you need more than that. You need to hear everything that lead up to the cheating so you can properly break down what triggered him then and what could trigger him later. If you can’t name their trigger, then you’re flying blind and asking to be burnt again.
Agree never to bring it back up: “You’re the one that was cheating!” isn’t how you win an argument, it’s how you drive a wedge further between the two of you. We’re at the stage where you forgave, you’re moving on, so why go back and rip open that memory just because you want to prove a point about why you have the right to be bitter or upset. If you give a second chance, only to live with the paranoia and saltiness that they may do it again, then what’s the point of being in a relationship? You’re a fool for staying if you’re only pretending to be over it.
Give Them Rope: The reason I’m writing this now and not back when Beyoncé did Lemonade is a dinner I had a few weeks back. I received a call from my friend who was in town and wanted to meet. As we’re getting off the phone she says, “By the way my girlfriend that read your book is with me and she has all this stuff she wants to ask you.” I knew this dinner was going to be a train wreck. My friend is Bisexual, she jumps from girls to guys every few years, but personally I think she prefers the power she gets from mindfucking women. This girl who she mentioned was reading a copy of Solving Single, and it woke her up to the fact that she was indeed being played not only currently in this lesbian relationship but in her past relationships with men. Friend or no friend, I knew at this dinner I would have to be honest with this girl that she was in a relationship with the master of the Push & Pull method and one of the greatest minds to ever use Ho Tactics. So, we’re all at dinner, the semi-lesbian couple, me, and my wife, and they start a screaming match about cheating and trust. My friend was having sex with a married woman, her new girlfriend found out, forgave, but apparently right before their trip to LA she hacked her email and saw that she was still sending “I miss you” messages to the married woman.
I asked, “Why did you stay with her, if you knew she wasn’t remorseful for cheating and still wanted to keep a friendship with the person she cheated on.” My friend answered for her, “Because she’s a dumb bitch.” That comment tells you the power structure of the relationship right there. Her girlfriend finally responds, “I guess I wanted to believe this time it would be different.” I asked again, “What did she do to make you believe it would be different, not say, but do?” My friend once again chimed in with a joke about eating her pussy like Bobby Flay seasoned that shit, but by this point this girl wasn’t laughing she was on the brink of tears. I followed up and said what I would have liked to have said to so many women that have read Solving Single before her, “You told me you loved my book because it wasn’t about relationships it was about confidence and knowing your value. Yet, here you are and you’re allowing this kind of treatment. Why?” There was no answer, all she could say was, “You’re right. I think when I fly back home I need to make some changes.” To which my friend said, “I hope you fly back on Malaysian Air and crash, bitch.” …and like that all the introspection was gone and they started yelling at each other again.
Those two are a perfect example of why you don’t half-forgive a person just because you can’t stomach not having them in your life. The running joke is, “Break a woman’s heart and you’ll own her forever,” because women who are done wrong tend to keep working to repair the rift and prove they can keep someone happy. However, as the above example shows, it’s not about men being evil or women being sneaky, cheating transcends gender stereotypes. If you allow a person to downplay what they did the first time, they’ll do it again. If you show a person that you love them more than you love yourself, they’ll do it again. During that first 60 days after you take a person back give them all the room in the world to make the moves they want to make. No “give me your password” or “check in with me at night”. Let them be free and watch how they move. A cheater who feels they smoothed everything over will always go back to their ways. Thus, you have your final test—giving them enough rope to hang themselves so you can bury them once and for all and move on knowing there was nothing you could have done.
A man or woman cheating is not a reflection of how unfulfilling you are, it’s a reflection of how undisciplined they are. For anyone who has felt broken by infidelity in the past, is struggling with it in the present, or is worried about being cheated on in the future, understand that the idea of “too good to be cheated on” is a myth. People will do what they want to do despite having a perfect partner because they’re battling issues that were never yours to fix. It will happen, you will hurt, but if you truly understand the things written above, you won’t become bitter, you’ll become stronger. What doesn’t break us, evolves us. This chapter of your life may be about being cheated on, but the complete book of your life will show how you recovered, rebuilt and ended up with the person you were meant to be with… There will always be a silver lining if you refuse to let the actions of another break the spirit of self.