Do you want months or do you want years? Your mouth is fixing to say how you want something real, rock solid, and forever, but your actions tell me you’re full of shit. You take what you can get, rarely holding out for what you deserve. You enter into something based on potential, out of boredom, or as a rebound so you can see how some ex will react to you pretending to be happy without them, but how many of these relationships actually feel right? When those relationships start to crumble are you ever truly surprised or did that little voice in your head already tell you it was a waste of time, months before? Be honest. Every time your romantic life is at a red light, you stand there looking stupid, waiting for someone to come and bail you out with yet another mediocre love affair that you said you weren’t going to settle for again. “Girl, I’m getting too old to be dealing with these men that ain’t about shit, I’m stepping my game up next year.” Lies You Tell! How are you going to step your game up, princess? You’re not going to date properly, you’re not going to ask real questions, you’re not going to call men out on their bullshit, and yes, even though you’re mad at him now, that one guy who you really really like whose number you still won’t delete from your phone—he will come back in and mind fuck you all over again sometime soon. Despite running your big ass mouth about standards, you are like millions of other women—you take what the fuck a man gives you, allow these dudes to waste the best years of your life, then cry about it.
Women lie to themselves… a lot. Men that have no fucking business being in your phone, let alone your vagina, come and go. In the end, you’re left pointing a finger and venting about the male gender, while assuming you’re the wifey type with bad luck. There’s no such thing as bad fucking luck, it’s just as superstitious as you picking dick by zodiac signs, grow up! Show me a woman that got fucked over by a man, I’ll jump in my mental DeLorean, go back through your weak ass relationship and point it out like—See, 37 days into dating and 12 days before you two made it official this guy showed his third consecutive Fuck Boy tendency and you ignored it. It takes two to people to form a sucker, the one doing the suckering and the mark getting suckered. What did your gut say every time that nigga did or said something that didn’t add up? It said, “walk away, bitch… he’s suspect… it’s not working anymore… you’re forcing it.” Women know everything but say nothing! Choosing instead to see how the situation plays out because you want him to work out despite the warning signs. Sis, tell me the last time you were surprised by a man in a positive way… You’re still thinking because niggas end up disappointing you in the same way you already figured they would. So why the hell do you give up so much time and energy entertaining men that your gut along with everything I’ve written has told you is janky? Laziness? Fear? This “I can fix him” ego? It’s a combination of multiple weak bitch traits.
I talk to so many women on a weekly basis, and NONE of them got fucked over out of thin air. The signs were there. Controlling, Jealous, Mama’s Boy, Immature, chronically broke, illegal finances, Exes that are still around, verbally abusive, narcissistic, and the list goes on. The only one who doesn’t see the ending of the movie you’re living is you! You’re too busy riding his dick and matching up his last name with your first name to see if it sounds pretty, ignoring all the small things that point to big problems. Let’s face it, you lie to yourself the same way you lie about a pair of jeans making your ass look bigger or smaller depending on your insecurity. You lie about the potential a man has, shove him into your heart like you shove your size 9s in a pair of size 8 heels, and put up with the discomfort because you can’t find a man that’s your right fit. You are the first one to tell the world how “Bae” makes you feel and how blessed you are to have found him, only to circle back months, if not weeks, later talking about how he wasted your time. Totally ignoring those several incidents where he gave you a preview that you two weren’t compatible. I repeat for those of you that are speed reading and may have missed a few lines, there has never been a nigga so fucking clever that you didn’t see the writing on the wall at least once about who he truly was. Y’all the same ones posting relationship memes like “If a man shows you who he is, believe him,” yet you can’t even take your own advice because you’re so high off some man showing your lonely ass attention. For those of you that read MDLWLY, you know there’s an easy way to vet any man in record time. The problem isn’t “how to tell if he’s bullshitting,” the problem is that you will take the evidence against that man and twist that shit like Johnnie Cochran until his red flags turn yellow. This tainting of evidence mentally allows you to give a man you have no business trusting, your all. Think back to every guy that turned out to be Fool’s Gold right now and tell me you didn’t taint your initial evidence so you could continue to “build” or see where it went…
Men today lie just as much. What, you thought this was just an indictment of simple bitches? No, it’s also about you new age men out here simping for pussy thinking it’s love. I once proclaimed that a mature man never makes the mistake of confusing wifey with pussy, the key word being “mature”. I don’t care how old you are, the maturity many of you brothers demonstrate tell me that you lack good judgement. You Dad or Uncles told you to go out and get pussy, but somewhere along the way you guys who were just looking for ass, got soft and started falling in love with girls who clearly told you that you were just another nigga on the hit list. This world is changing slowly, Spartan minded women are being created every day and they will break the hearts of weak men pretending to be bosses. For every guy that mind fucks a weak bitch, there’s a strong alpha woman who can turn the table and have that nigga feeling like Eddie in Boomerang. Men don’t like to talk about their weak nigga moments, but every man has met a woman that’s taken him out of his character, that’s not debatable. While it’s humbling during high school or college, to be a grown ass man unable to navigate the girls who want you versus the ones who are just using you for entertainment is a clear sign of the lack of maturity I mentioned earlier.
Having a Basica on your dick is normal for most men. However, those girls that walk different, talk different, and don’t even text you back within the hour, those are the girls that enchant you. Women often ask me, why some random girl got the man they wanted by doing much less than what she was doing. Few women understand how men work, but as a man you know that the rush of dealing with a girl that doesn’t conform to what you’re used to is indescribable. “Please love me because my Daddy didn’t” headass women, think that submission is what all men want. While we do what our way ultimately, it’s more about meeting our match than cuffing some servant broad who thinks pussy and loyalty will keep her chose. The challenge of winning over a woman who isn’t impressed is the most fun you can have with your dick still in your boxers. Not to offend any of the ladies reading this, but let’s be real—Only 10% of women a man will meet in his life will come off as impressive. We pretend that we’re wowed by her job, her education, her ambitions, and her looks, but few women are honestly “I’ve never met a girl like you,” impressive… even though we tell a lot of them that lie.
Most of you have fucked more women then you can count, and you know like I know that you can barely remember anything about them. They’re all just a blur of easy pussy, short term girlfriends who you entertained for maybe 4 months, or random chicks you were on and off with for a few years. None of them would have a leading role in the movie of your life because they’re mediocre. I remember one time I was contacted by this girl I used to talk to (and by talk to I mean fuck, keep up) and she reminded me of some fun stuff we did and I laughed and played along, but realistically I didn’t remember any of those moments. I can remember Survivor Series 1997, but I couldn’t tell you anything about her, not even why we stopped talking. The point is, you men are used to the nameless, faceless, pussy of the world. But the moment you get a hold of Kara Zor-El, that unique alien girl that falls into that 10%, and wows you based on several factors, that’s when you do what a lot of women do—you force her to fit into your life. A girl being different doesn’t mean that she’s right for you. Yet, some of you guys move as if the two are connected. Doesn’t matter if she has daddy issues, if she’s acting out in ways that tell you she’s damaged internally, or if she’s openly telling you she’s not the type to commit, you refuse to believe that she can’t be tamed. That male ego wants this Unicorn, and you will keep trying to put a saddle on her until the day she leaves you hurt and bitter.
Men lie and Women lie, but to no one more than themselves. Today I want to talk about wasting time on false potential, damaged people, and incompatible personalities. This isn’t a list of basic ass generic things to look for so you won’t waste your time. “If they don’t call you at least twice a day they’re wasting your time,” give me a break. I’m not into shoving generic lists down your throats because at the end of the day you don’t need to read what wasting your time feels like, you already know. I’m more concerned with why, even when you see proof that it will never work, you keep going down that path or holding on. Two months into the talking stage, she’s still not impressing you, but you keep seeing her. Two months into the relationship stage and he’s undermining who you are as person, but you keep at it. Men and Women are both guilty of this level of stupidity. Time is being wasted, but it’s not due to someone lying or misleading you, it’s because despite everything that’s telling you to move on, you don’t. Meeting someone who’s great, but who will never be great for you is something most of you can’t comprehend. You’re not a universal remote, no matter how high you think of yourself, there will always be those people who don’t match up with you due to no fault of your own. You all think in black and white, if a girl doesn’t want you she’s a dumb bitch… if a guy doesn’t want you he’s a fuck boy… life is complex and two quality people can still waste each other’s time. I’m focusing on the younger ladies first because I have something coming up that’s much more in depth for the fellas, both young and old, to read in terms of their bad dating habits and choices in women. Some of these things still apply to older women who are late to the game, so regardless of who you are, take notes and apply what you’re about to read as you ready yourself for a new year.
Are They Building or Bullshitting: For Women In Their 20s
Trying To Create A Future With A Temporary
The most idiotic move a young woman can make is to get into one of these, “he’ll do for now” relationships. Again, look to that little voice in your head, it’s trying to keep you away from men that aren’t going to ever lead to anything, but you refuse to listen. Let’s break this down. You meet a guy, aren’t that impressed with him yet aren’t turned off either. Instead of continuing to look for someone who wows you, you come up with the logic that there’s nothing that wrong with Joe Average, so why not give him a shot. Love isn’t like trying a new brand of holding gel because the hair store is out of your favorite, this is your heart you’re allowing a substitute to have access to. A date isn’t just a date when you’re looking for love, and Joe Average can easily hang around and become a real option by default. I hear it all the time—I didn’t think he was all that cute at first, but… I didn’t feel any sparks at first, but… I didn’t really want to say “yes” when he asked me to be his girlfriend, but… You’re a grown ass woman who just got a whole boyfriend that you only half wanted! You know why men, even the unattractive, broke, or ignorant aren’t so desperate for love like women are? Because men can always relay on women like you to give in and settle for good enough. Unlike an older woman, when you’re in your 20s, you can live with settling because you’re sure it’ll only last a few months, maybe until the seasons change, or whatever asinine concept you come with to justify seeing where it goes with a temp. Here’s what happens when you give your exclusivity to a temporary dick. First, it’s all good, because he likes you more than you like him, which leads to him doing extra shit that your pretty boy exes didn’t. This treatment lulls you into a sense of security and confidence. You’re feeling yourself because you now have a man who is doing right, and that projects a new swag. There are two types of women, ones who are in healthy relationships and emit that sparkle and ones who are in unhealthy relationships and walk around with that “whoever fucking her ain’t fucking her right,” scowl. It’s not about dick quality, it’s about fulfillment. An Average Joe who caters to you because he knows you’re out of his league is often able to build a woman’s confidence more than a handsome guy that’s wanted by every hoe with access to his DMs, because unlike Joe Average who isn’t going anywhere, he may stray and that causes a constant anxiety.
A lot of you don’t understand how internal feelings determine your external world. I won’t get all metaphysical with you, but I’ll just say this: It’s not a coincidence that new men come out of the blue trying to snatch you up the moment you’re happy with someone else. This temporary dick has taken the angst and stress out of your life, you’re glowing bright white to new men because unlike “Single” you who had a funky attitude and was depressing to be around, “Taken” you emits what all men are attracted to in women—true confidence. Now, this is the part where the Titanic hits the fucking iceberg. You’re with a man who has shortcomings, so no matter how much you love the fact that he loves you, your feelings aren’t true love for him, only what he’s doing for you in terms of treatment. New men are popping up who look the way you like your men to look, have the charisma that moistens you, or has the kind of money and status that you would be a fool not to want to partner with. You look at your boyfriend, this unwanted puppy, then back to these Alpha dogs. How does that make you feel? Irritated and frustrated. You can’t jump ship just to take a chance on a guy who most likely just wants to fuck you and fallback, so you stay loyal to the temp. You want to break up with a man who has given you no reason to want to break up, because you now know you can do better. A month before you met him, you had doubts about if you could pull the type of men you wanted, but now you taste that inner Spartan, that power over men, and you want to use your juice to get what you want, not stay cuffed to Joe Average.
These feelings aren’t reserved for when a new guy comes after you, it could be your friends trying to set you up with someone they know is more your speed (trust, your girls always know when you’re settling with temp dick), you moving to a new city and this temp wanting to hang on and LDR it… There are all kinds of scenarios that will happen when you’re young and with a boyfriend you barely like that will have you kicking yourself in the ass for tying yourself down too fast. Girls hate to breakup, even when you all are the ones that initiate it, you look back with regret because you’re unsure if you made a mistake. Even when you know a guy isn’t right, that “what if I’m wrong” fear will make you hold on until both of you are unhappy.
Men do this too, but the majority have a reason for taking on a Placeholder chick—they were looking for new pussy. Dick alone is not a reason to settle down with a temporary man, you’re a woman, you can fuck virtually any guy you set your sights on without having to get into a fake ass relationship. I get it, you’re young, probably don’t have any bodies or a handful of sex partners to your name, and by making a C+ player your man, you are free to fuck like a rabbit without judgement. The fear of being slut shamed because you’re young and want to find out all the ways that make you cum fast is one of those things that also make women settle for less. As men, we’re not expected to only fuck girls that are our girlfriends, that sounds ridiculous. But with you ladies, it’s “eww he’s not even your man, you nasty bitch” condemnation. In the end, no matter if you chose to make Joe Average your dude because you had no options, he was persistent and nice, or if you needed consistent dick, the result is the same, you will end up missing out on something you actually want when it does finally come along. Have the patience or trust in yourself to understand that so long as your mind is right and your confidence is on fire, you can attract quality men. You hear me but most of you don’t get me because you live life like it’s a race. Slow. The. Fuck. Down! By the time your 20s are ending you will look back and realize how you wasted years with a guy you didn’t really want but didn’t want to let go of either, and with that new-found maturity you’ll tell the next girl whose about to make the same mistake you did the same thing I’m telling you now—It’s better to stay single than settle for mediocre.
Don’t Become Your Boyfriend’s Puppet
One of my favorite people wrote this poem about how as a young woman you tend to lose yourself because you’re so busy being what a man is trying to mold you to be in order to keep him happy. Losing yourself in a man’s personality is rarely talked about because it’s very subtle. Every couple picks up each other’s traits and interests but when you’re young it’s even more intense and consuming. Young people learn through mimicking. They emulate older siblings, celebrities, whoever is around to be idolized that’s who you soak up. When you’re in your early 20s you don’t know how to adult, you pretend you do, but no matter how mature you are you aren’t fully formed. You’re experimenting with fashion, with music, getting into new hobbies, and meeting new friends that are into new methods of thought that become your new methods of thought without you even realizing their influence. To take on a boyfriend at that age, no matter if he’s older than you or around your age, can either lead to a democracy or a dictatorship in terms of how you two grow into a unit.
Let’s take the average young man, in general he will be raised to believe that his way is the right way, that as a man he is in charge, and that women are generally flighty and into silly shit, and need to be schooled so they don’t stay so goofy and ignorant to all the things men find cool. This isn’t a case of a guy being mean or an asshole it’s just the way a lot of men are raised (Mother’s telling them they’re Kings and bending over backwards spoiling them) these days. Enter you, you’re well rounded, you’re independent, but you’re also falling in love. Which means that when your boyfriend bitch checks you about how your taste in music is weak, you internalize it. When your boyfriend bitch checks you about the way you dress being either too provocative or too bummy, you internalize it. Finally, when you’re talking about life choices, what jobs to take, where to move, it’s your boyfriend who will not suggest, but tell you what you should do, and no matter how independent you used to be, you will internalize his opinions. Men have been training women like dogs since the beginning of time. A smart man will make a love-sick woman submit to his will but have her thinking of it as a compromise. Women usually upgrade men on the surface, fashion/manners while men tend devolve women internally, taking what used to be a strong-minded Queen and making her into an unsure dependent servant. Bitch checks, aren’t about verbally abusing you, they’re subtle and stick with you because like any young person, outside opinions matter even when you pretend they don’t. To have a boyfriend call your torso tattoo dumb or tell you that your idea for a podcast is corny and no one will listen, will cause you to doubt those choices. Again, it’s the small that builds into the large, and years of these bitch checks will condition you to think about what your man will think before you make any decision. Poof– a well trained woman. The older women reading this, your taste in men may have been spoiled by early boyfriends that bullied you or a father that dominated your mother. You get turned on by strong and aggressive men, but the reality is you’ve been bitch checked into feelings as if you need a man like that because you lost your own power by being victimized by those guys that slapped you down and made you a dependent.
Some of you may feel that’s what a woman’s job is, to listen to the opinion of her other half, but you’re missing the point, Basica Bow Down. Who you are, what your tastes are, what your views are will slowly disappear if you allow any man to set the pace via indirect critiques of the things you do because they aren’t what he would do. Eventually your want to make him happy, to be the perfect girlfriend, that obedient wife in training, will eat away at your independence. Now you’re only listening to the music he listens to, talking the same conspiracy theory propaganda his silly ass is talking, swearing that henny is the best drink ever, making misogynistic comments about your fellow woman based off the things he says about females, and you won’t even realize how deep he’s taken over your mind. We all see this in various women we know, they’re brainwashed to the point where you don’t know where her boyfriend’s influence stops and her own mind starts. No matter if it’s that freshmen girl in college that’s hops on a student athlete’s dick and becomes his mini me, or the girl that starts dating some fake-deep douche bag and begins to alienate herself from her old friends because they aren’t “woke”. There are few original thinking people in this world, most are sheep, and that’s because everyone is trying to figure out how to be accepted and love. Far too often, young girls feel that if a man likes it, that means it’s right. No one teaches these girls that it’s okay to not conform, to debate your boyfriend, and to stand your ground. “But men don’t stay with girls who don’t blah blah blah,” and that’s why you’re losing at life. Find you a man that respects your mind, not one that wants to erase and replace it with his own.
Dating A Broke Boy
I talk a lot about dates where a man takes a woman out, treats her, engages in conversations, and repeats until he shares enough of himself to win her over. The reason I dwell on non-house dates isn’t because I expect all of you to date a man with money, it’s a must because I want you all to date a man who values you enough, even before getting to know you fully, to put in real time and effort to plan something that will impress you. Creativity is a trait, money is just a possession. A person having money doesn’t tell you anything, but a man, no matter if he’s balling or struggling, finding a way to show you a good time for a night that has nothing to do with getting you on the edge of his bed and attempting to rub your thigh, will tell you a lot in a short period. I aim a lot of what I write at women who are out of school and in the working world, and should be dating men on that same level who can afford outgoing dates three times in a row without it impacting him financially. However, some of you are in school or are still in the underemployed world of your 20s where you don’t have much and the men you meet most often are in the same boat. I don’t expect a guy that’s working part-time and up to his chin in debt to take your ass to Nobu just to show you that he likes you. Where a man takes you and what he spends has never been the point unless you’re getting your Maria on. Most of you aren’t looking for a come up, you genuinely want companionship with a man who wants something deeper than sex. The problem is men can’t tell if they want something more from you than your box, until they have actual conversations. The general practice is to go for the sex, but be open to the idea that she is indeed more than pussy by the way she comes off, passes the tests, and swerves left where other girls swerve right. The moment a guy gets your number, he’s observing what kind of woman you are because this “treat every woman like she’s your mom or sister,” bullshit isn’t logical. Men aren’t dumb, they know that asking a girl to come over and hang out isn’t how they would want a man to have dated their mother when she was a young lady. But the reason they do it, is because it works in terms of testing her character and it costs him nothing. To have a girl come over, be dry as fuck in her conversation, and act funny (not let him fuck, keep up) means he wasted a few hours with a hard dick, not $50-100 on an external date. When a guy is broke, he has to think about things like that. Take every semi-pretty girl you meet out… you’ll blow $400 a month minimally. When you’re only making $12 an hour and barely can get 30 hours a week, that’s being reckless for pussy that’s not even promised. Being poor doesn’t stop guys from dating, never has and never will, so what most men do is they reserve a date or series of dates for that ONE girl who really stands out and the rest of the girls get, “I’m trying to see you, can you come over tonight.” Marinate on that.
Every woman reading this will be either the type of girl a man tests with a Come Over & Chill date or one he asks out. Don’t let your pride offend you if you get, “Come through” propositions, instead open your mouth and decline in favor of an actual date. Again, this is something that sounds so fucking simple, but rarely gets done. Why? Because you fake-classy ladies hate to turn down a cute boy who wants to see you, so you settle for what he offers. Fuck that! Fix your mouth to ask for what you want, and stop accepting what’s on the table as if you can’t negotiate your worth. Which moves us into step two, if a guy offers to go out, but doesn’t have Olive Garden money, do you accept the house date so you show him you’re not shallow? Do you offer to pay this time? How do you handle dating a broke boy?
Going outside of the home for a date is non-negotiable! I don’t care what excuse he makes or that you make for him—non-negotiable! Niggas will always find a way to reach the bar of the woman they want, so if you can’t even follow that one rule, then you’ve failed yourself. Remember, that dates are more varied than just eating in front of each other. There’s nothing wrong with a cheap date as long as it’s creative. Most dates are generic because people don’t know what the other person is into. Dinner and a movie is usually standard because it’s safe. But you don’t need that shit. Movies aren’t a good first date anyway, because you don’t get to talk. Dinner is great because it’s intimate, but there are dozens of alternatives where you can also get time alone out in public to talk and react to each other. Right now, you’re probably thinking, “can you name a few that I can suggest to men,” because that’s the Basica blood still pumping in your veins. Spartan the fuck up, you don’t need to worry about what’s a creative date, what will save money, or how to get home by the end of the night without his bank account going into overdraft. That’s his fucking job! You’re a woman, your job is to go along for the ride to see if he earns a second date via his actions. If he’s broke he shouldn’t be on the phone asking you, “so where do you want to go eat?” because a bitch like you will proudly say something that will have him starting a Go Fund Me to pay that bill. Not to be mean, but if a man doesn’t communicate his situation, then it is on him to plan around his budget, not for you to read his mind and suggest cheaper options. If he is upfront and tells you he doesn’t really have much, that’s when you show him your true heart and let him know that you don’t need anything extravagant. Don’t tip toe around the subject and downgrade yourself before he says something about what he can and can’t do. The first test, and maybe the last if he fails, is about his honesty in terms of communicating where he is in life. Be willing to date him, no judgement, but he must be willing to let you in on what he can and can’t do and why or plan a creative date where you won’t even realize that it cost little to nothing.
For example, if I only had $40 to get me to the end of the week but I didn’t want to let that stop me from taking out a girl who seems as if she can be the one, I’m going to ask her out. Knowing my budget, I would gather intel from our first phone conversation before the date, figure out what she’s into, and use this thing called Google to line up her likes with what I could afford. Jazz clubs, open mic comedy shows, boutique art showcases, and hopefully if the night goes well and the conversation is non-stop we can grab some frozen yogurt and keep it going before dropping her back home or to her car. Effort! That’s what a man has to be rich with, not money. As a young woman, your main objective on that date isn’t to count how much bread he spent so you can go brag on Snap like you ain’t never had a man trick on your dusty ass. Your mission on that date is to check for his ambition, for his goals, for the vertical moves he’s making in his life. A guy who walks arm in arm looking at Christmas lights with you, talking about, “I don’t even know what I’m going to do if my cousin can’t get me hired at his job,” isn’t someone you need on your team. A nigga that has to go out and Uber in secret to afford your birthday gift, will grow to recent his position in life and his relationship with you because he can’t provide. Why do you think some guys react hostility to those “He makes you pay half the rent,” memes? Because it’s emasculating to know that they are in a position in life where they would need their woman to help. All young men start off with big dreams, but it’s in their 20s that you see them doubt themselves when progress is slow. That lack of money changes a man at the deepest level, and you saying “we’ll be okay, babe,” won’t cure his depression, it’ll just agitate him. Therefore, when in the dating stage, it’s on YOU as an observant woman to listen and understand if this man is simply young and in transition or if he’s always going to be a victim of circumstance. A broke nigga that talks as if he’s always going to stay a broke nigga unless his mixtape or t-shirt line pops off or one who is full of external blame doesn’t get a second date. A young man who is passionate, intelligent, and shares with you a true game plan for a better tomorrow, he’s someone you take a chance on.
Never Compete Against The Clock
You’re different. You made a promise based on the endless sea of weak bitches you grew up around that not only would your life turn out better in terms of love, you would be on an accelerated path. Education. Career. Then Dick. By the time you hit your mid 20s you’re going to prove just how different you are from every other woman out here still trying to figure out the formula to get a ring. Those older women who didn’t get married until after age 30, they didn’t have your charisma. Those chicks that got knocked up in their 20s by a man who ended up being just a baby daddy, they didn’t have your intelligence. You made a promise that you would do better, and there is no one alive that can tell you that you’re going to end up some basic ass statistic that wastes time with a guy for multiple years, gets her engagement called off, or ends up settling like so many women in your family have done. Your future isn’t wishful thinking because everything else is being accomplished. You’re crushing school or you’re in the work force moving up faster than anyone expected, so why shouldn’t you feel as if love will too go your way… Because you haven’t met a high level Dicknotist yet.
What I’ve noticed over the years is that women tend to have this obsession with overachieving, it’s a great drive career wise, but when it comes to love they seem to forget that unlike getting promoted at work, getting a man to truly love you isn’t so cut and dry as—do good, get rewarded. I know a 24-year-old who has totally blown her friends out of the water in terms of financial success. Her homegirls are struggling to pay student loans, while she’s already making six figures a year. However, her two best friends have steady boyfriends. That makes her sick inside. Privately she wrote me a super long email about all the ways it “isn’t fair” that her friends who aren’t as smart or as cute as she is are happier. Back up. Here’s a very young woman, making bank, living on her own, with more years of prosperity to come. Yet she came to me depressed because she couldn’t find a man. Most of you around her age and who are struggling would happily take no bills, no loans, and being financially stress free over a dude… in theory. But the reality I’ve experienced is that most women do want the man more, because the man is the ultimate proof that she’s won. That FICO can’t keep your ass warm at night, that 401k ain’t deep dicking you to sleep, and when you park that Audi the realization that there’s no one there to greet you at the door stings like a bitch. This 24-year-old ended up meeting a few guys after I pushed her to go be more social. The bad part was that like so many women her age, she got a whiff of the first decent man and decided, “I’m done dating, he’s going to be it.” Why window shop when you know that a man is the one? Here’s the thing, you don’t know shit. You’re assuming based on a month of poorly vetted dates and sexual chemistry that he’s the one. This girl was in such a rush to lock this guy in as her boyfriend because it meant that her game plan for the future was saved. Be together for a year—25. Get engaged and then married—26. Hunt for a bigger house, plan for baby, and have baby—28 at the latest. By age 28 that would make her a happily married wife and mother. By comparison her two best friends would probably still be living with roommates, working shitty jobs, and still in the “we go together” stage with their men, not married homeowners. That was literally the things she would mention to me, calling it her “vision board” plan now that things were going well with this guy she only knew for about a month and a week. Of course, a few months later they ended up breaking up and she was back depressed because picking quick and wrong ruined all the confidence I was trying to build in her impatient ass.
One day you’ll meet a man that will thank the universe that the men before him made the mistake of letting you go. The problem is, you want that man to come right now. You assume you’re mentally ready, you swear that you know what you want, but the reality is that you have been in such a rush to get to the finish line of love that you missed the lessons that could have saved you time and energy. Everyone picks wrong before they pick right, it’s in those missteps that we gain the wisdom that will lead to better results. When you ignore the lessons, and rush into relationship after relationship because you hate the feeling of being alone, you will find yourself repeating the same mistakes with the same type of men. It’s your own impatience, fear, and inability to see the bigger picture that will keep you locked in a hell of your own making. No matter how much better than the average woman you believe you are, you will be humbled by a man who comes in, mind fucks you, and shows you that you aren’t as ahead of the curve as your ego gassed you to believe. It’s happened to everyone from to Solange to Oprah, they chose wrong early so you could choose right later on in life. I know that you have to hold on to this idea that you’re the exception to the rule, the girl who will hit a homerun her first time at bat, and a few of you truly will be the exception, but for the vast majority of you will be baptized by the fire of getting played. The men you meet in college, fresh out of college, or that first year at your new job will be nothing more than a LESSON.
No matter what you read, how much you listen to older people and prepare for the ain’t shit men of the world, the right man will sweep you off your feet and make you believe that he’s the opposite of what I write about. I get it all the time, “NC, I met a guy and he’s so different, he challenges me, we click spiritually… blah blah fucking blah.” And my advice is to slow down, and let’s take this step by step and be sure. But no one takes advice when things are going good because your confidence is on 100 no one can tell you shit. The phrase “young and dumb” is universal because thinking you’re smarter than what you truly are at a young age is common practice. The point isn’t to not get burnt, the point is to learn and adapt after you get burnt. Instead most women ask, “why did this happen” or “how can I get it back to where it was.” Dating when you’re young is rarely about fixing him or fixing what he said was your problem so you two can restart. It’s about discovering your strengths and weaknesses so that you won’t hang on to that man, go back to him, on and off, or replace him with someone with the same qualities. Time is only your enemy when you refuse to learn the lessons that will prevent you from wasting even more time. The things you will learn are not about how to keep the man you were just with, it’s about wising up to all aspects of love so that you’re ready to appreciate the man who will one day come into your life and blow those past dudes out of the water. Stop being so dramatic every time something doesn’t work out, and recognize that it’s clearing the way for something better!
“The moment you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than what you settled for…:
Today he’s “Zaddy” next year he’s “that hoe ass nigga!” because being hot and cold is the wave when you’re young. My mission is to keep you from repeating that cycle year in and year out and actually take in what I’m sharing so you can achieve something lasting. Every woman that’s still single or unhappily taken after she turns 30, can easily point to not just one mistake they made in their 20s but multiple mistakes that could have been avoided one that first lesson was learned. Humans are flawed creatures that have a nasty habit of doing the same thing, but expecting different results. It’s not for lack of intelligence, it’s all about the pressure women put on themselves to be loved. You all are in such a hurry to get to the finish line of marriage because you’re afraid you will become that 35-year-old woman on match.com or at the bar still trying to find Mr. Right. Your ego is fueled by the buffet of men that are around you, guys at school, guys at work, guys online, older men offering gifts… when you’re a young woman the world is yours because every man has a fetish for young and vibrant. But when you blow your prime settling on the men that chase you because you’re too shy to go after the ones you want or keep tied down to unfulfilling relationships because you think the time put it actually means something, you fulfill your own worst fear. Ask any older woman, the options do slim out the older you get, not because there are less men, but because you aren’t going to be as social as you once were. Girls in college assume that they will always be surrounded by a buffet at men, then ten years later they’re messy dating guys that live in their apartment building because they don’t know where to go to find men anymore. Your drive shouldn’t be to snatch the best available man up and hold on to him to prevent that lonely future, your drive should be to explore, observe, and put into practice the lessons life teaches via the men that don’t work out.
“I’m 25 and single, I’m never going to find anyone,” sounds silly to a 30-year-old because to them they’re young with so much time to get it right. “I’m 30 and single, I’m never going find anyone,” sounds silly to a 40-year-old for those same reasons. No matter how old you are, the wisdom you will develop later in life will tell you that you shouldn’t worry about age, that you should focus on living in the now. I ask again, do you want months or do you want years? It’s never going to be about if a man is going to waste your time or if he’s trying to build or bullshit, you are the only one responsible for the time and effort you put into another person. Suck your teeth and talk about how I’m putting it all on the woman. But the same goes for men. Every human being has a brain that tells them when someone isn’t measuring up. A person who is wasting your time was put in that position by YOU, they didn’t put a gun to your head and force themselves into your life. You are solely responsible for letting them in, and you are solely responsible for letting them stay. So the next time you want to talk about your precious time, check yourself first: He’s not trying to date you properly, but you give him a chance—you’re the one bullshitting with your future. He’s trying to change you and make you into his mother or his ex-girlfriend, but you love him so you play along—you’re the one bullshitting with your future. He’s not quite what you were looking for, but he’s a nice guy who will do until something else comes along—you’re the one bullshitting with your future. You get out of life and love what you hold out for, if you’re content with holding onto the bare minimum just to get by in your boring life because you’re afraid nothing else will come along, so be it. Know that any and all mediocre relationships will eventually fall apart, and when it does you will have no one to blame for wasting your time but your damn self. Spartan up!