“I hit her raw, let her go see the doctor, that’s how I get a Checkup”
–French Montana (God Body Lyrics)
I want to talk about something that a lot of you don’t even want to think about, don’t want to talk about, and won’t want to promote on social media, and I don’t care. We all need to face the truth that we’re living in a world where STD’s run rampant, and no matter your sexual standards or how safe you are, it can happen to you. HIV, Herpes, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and all kinds of new shit that pops up in pictures on Facebook feeds are the monsters under our bed we refuse to acknowledge. Over the years, I’ve talked to male and female readers in confidence about their problems that come from dating with STDs, but I feel it’s time to help those who aren’t able to speak to me one on one about this dilemma. Most people know at least one person who had or has an STD but rap music has made it into a punchline and the average “I can’t catch nothing” superhuman young adult only thinks about VD after a one night stand, when they wake up suddenly religious and praying they didn’t get burnt. The truth is millions of people live with incurable STDs, yet they hide in the shadows unsure of how to attain real love. Instead of it being something we judge, it should be something that we address, and let those men and women know that they can still find love and happiness if they refuse to live like a prisoner of circumstance.
We all know to use condoms and we all know that you should get to know a person for real, before you put your life in their hands, but nobody really listens to that shit. When I was growing up in Bmore, the Shangri La of STDs, I was paranoid as hell about sex. You see TLC rocking condoms on their clothes, Magic Johnson and Eazy E were in the news, and you get the message that “have sex and die.” Nevertheless, when you grow up and see Magic still kicking and nobody dropping dead the message fades. Condoms are only used on side hoes or jump-offs, and main chicks get the raw treatment always, or what’s the point of making a chick your girlfriend… That’s called nigga logic. While I was fortunate enough to never catch anything, nearly all my boys had to take that trip to the free clinic to get a shot. What always blew my mind was how girls were quick to bust it open without requesting a condom, as if it’s a ratchet badge of honor to be the one he trusts to hit raw. In reality girls are just as horny as men, and when they meet a nice guy, well groomed, balls only a little musty, they think that’s good enough, the same way we men think it’s good enough when a chick smells like Dove and not Doritos. Most people enter into a relationship, but they don’t go through the Joe Budden/Tahiry STD test stage, they fuck… condom for the first week… raw the rest of the relationship. Someone gets burnt… maybe it’s something a shot can clear up, maybe not. Regardless of how you got it, if it was like the groupie who infamously accused a certain rapper, if you were just being careless like Mr. Marcus, or if you were giving it up to someone you loved– Raw sex will always be the best sex, and that’s the real driving force. Instead of preaching about boring shit like, “always use a condom,” I’m going to talk about dating after the damage has already been done.
“CDC estimates that, annually, 776,000 people in the United States get new herpes infections. Genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide that’s 16%, or about one out of six people. When it comes to HIV the CDC reports that blacks account for 47% of new HIV cases in the United States which is alarming considering they make up only 12% of the US population.”
STD’s aren’t a race issue, it’s an ignorance issue, and to prove that anyone can find themselves a victim, here’s a story from WebMD about “All American Girl” Ann Smith:
“I had barely finished my first semester of college when I found out I had herpes. A high school friend and I wound up taking our friendship a little further, and 20 seconds into the act that would change my life forever, he stopped. My friend said I was too much like a sister, and he couldn’t continue. Then he left. I worried about how that incident would affect our friendship. Little did I know my worries would extend far beyond that concern…
For three years, I had a boyfriend who never knew I had herpes. Each time I had an outbreak, which for me consisted of a very small cluster of blisters that lasted two or three days, I’d pretend I had a yeast infection and say I couldn’t have sex until it was gone. The possibility of spreading the virus even when you didn’t have an outbreak had become more widely accepted by health care providers. I was still uncomfortable about bringing up the subject, but now I didn’t have much of a choice.
In the end, instead of rejecting me, he chose to continue our relationship. What a relief. But after we had sex, he would always wash himself like a doctor scrubbing down for an operation. I could hardly blame him, but it wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. Since he was disease-free, he refused to wear condoms, instead choosing the scrub-down — something that would do nothing to prevent herpes transmission… That relationship eventually came to an end, leaving me worried yet again about getting back in the dating game.”
If you’re like Ann then you’re probably afraid to date because that means that as soon as you get close to a person you will inevitably have to tell them about your condition, and then suffer the shame of them judging you, rejecting you, or even worse, pretending to be cool with it then bailing on you as soon as they find a good excuse that makes it look like it had nothing to do with your STD. The alternative is to keep quiet, not have sex as if you’re a born again virgin, and wait until that person is in love with you to drop the news. I call that “Pussy Catfishing” and not sharing your status or misleading someone about your status is nearly as bad as spreading it to them. So for all of you women that feel like Ann and those who have friends in these situations who don’t really have any guidance, here are some tips.
Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
First off, stop blaming yourself, stop blaming the person who infected you, stop blaming the world. It happened and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. You can sit in the house, feel bitter because you can’t play in the reindeer games, and invest in the world’s greatest vibrator OR you can accept the hand that was dealt and win with that shit. Sex is not that big of a person’s life if you add up all the hours in the day, so it’s not that you’re being handicapped by this STD in terms of going out and meeting people. If you’re the type of person that needed the allure of your new pussy to hook a man, then you were failing at life before you got those test results. You’re crying and depressed because you’ll never find a man that wants you because any sex will have to come with a warning label… is your personality that fucking weak? You mean to tell me that you can’t impress a man with your wit, your humor, or kindness, that unless the light at the end of the tunnel is RAW PUSSY that you are shit out of luck? The universe took away your Coochie Crutch and said, “Prove you’re still a bad bitch,” and here you are eyes all watery like, “You’re right, I’m not shit without an active vagina!” Take away the 3-point line; Ray Allen is still going to score. Take away Beyonce’s voice, she’s going to win a Grammy for writing a new bitch a hit song. Every human being has the ability to adapt and succeed. Will it be easy? Hell no, but it will bring out the best you have to offer with your clothes on. In the end there will be no doubt that you got that man by being spectacular, not by being just another pussy. So hold your head up and get back out on the field.
Make Them Earn The Talk
When I did the chapter on virginity for Solving Single, I was upset at how so many virgins run around blurting out how they’re not fucking after one or two dates. Like why do you feel a need to put people all in your business? I settled on the reasoning that most women are afraid to get attached to someone who doesn’t want to wait for sex, so they use it as a scare tactic. The thing about men is that we don’t give a fuck about scare tactics; we will still tell you what you want to hear. In the case of virginity it’s, “I respect that, I’m not the type to put pressure on you,” then a week later we’re trying to test that bitch’s discipline, not because we want that virgin sex, it’s a challenge and our male egos dictate that our dicks can get through a tank. With an STD like Herpes, I doubt that he’s going to pressure to see if you’re lying; he will most likely fake as if he’s cool with that, then slowly back away over the course of a month or so. In addition to putting a guy in a position where he feels a need to lie about being okay with that, you shouldn’t want your private life revealed within the first month of getting to know a person anyway. You don’t really know him, you assume you do because you’ve had long conversations, but people are fucking snakes.
Tell Dave your sexual history, let it out, cry, and he’ll be there to hold you. He’ll tell you that it’s all good. The next week he’s taking you out again, still being affectionate. Fuck it, Dave’s a real nigga, so you suck his dick as a reward. Maybe he even talks about ways to be safe for when the day comes that you want to have real sex. Now, you’re thinking, “Shit, Dave’s a rider, he’s thinking about long term ways to hit this.” Two weeks later, Dave’s getting busy. You don’t talk that much anymore because of his schedule. You see the writings on the wall. Dave slowly faded out because he was never okay with that shit, he just didn’t want to seem like an asshole. Alternatively you have to worry about your business being shared with others. I don’t care if you don’t live close to where Dave lives, if that nigga bumps into you at a club or bar a few months later, he’s going to whisper to his friends, “that’s her” now that friend tells their friend, and your Instagram is now being passed around like, “that’s the bitch with the bug.” Keep it to yourself until you get to know a person! I suggest waiting at least two months but no more than three, to have the talk with them. By that time you should be able to get to know them both romantically and interpersonally to the point where you understand their character. I don’t want to hear the excuse of, “Men don’t want to wait for sex, how do I hold them off with excuses for that long,” that’s a weak bitch question. If you can’t keep a man’s interest for three months without sucking or fucking there is an entire archive section on this site informing you how basic of a bitch you are.
Don’t Underestimate Horny Niggas
My boy once said that he’d fuck Draya raw while she read her positive HIV results. It was a joke with a hint of truth. Let’s keep it real, the condom protection odds are high enough that guys won’t think twice about smashing a pretty girl no matter what she has. That’s a good thing if you’re looking for a real boyfriend, not so much if you’re vulnerable and that nigga is just hunting for a nut. Just because a guy is okay with your status, doesn’t mean you rush to fuck him. You’re sexually frustrated, but keep your standards. Him saying, “I’m cool with that,” doesn’t mean you slide the condom on his dick and go wild. The same way you made dudes earn it before, you make them earn it now. Dating, courting, and proving they value you — that shit still applies! You’re not in No Man’s Land where you take any understanding dick that wants to run up in you. I’m positive you will meet guys who will see you as an easy fuck, and because you trust them with your “secret,” you’re going to assume their intentions are pure—Ha! Don’t be thirsty! Remember your Spartan training, and make him earn it because you aren’t damaged goods to be sold at a discount.
Recycling Is For Cowards
A girl has needs that a showerhead can’t give her. So if your last two boyfriends knew about your condition and didn’t care, you can always go back to them because they won’t judge and they know how to make you nut in less than ten minute. That’s good for your sexual appetite, but it won’t fulfill your romantic or emotional needs. What happens with exes is that you get lazy. You have no excuse to put yourself out there with new guys, because the itch you were most annoyed by is now being scratched. Those guys won’t stay single for long and more importantly you’re wasting time scrimmaging when you should be out playing the game for real. Again, this goes back to being afraid of being disappointed with new men: Get to know a guy for a few months, hope he’s not an asshole. Have the talk, hope he doesn’t run. Have sex, hope his dick game isn’t wack. It’s a lot of pressure and a lot of work, but what the fuck else do you have to do with your time? You don’t need a fuck buddy, you need to date, you need to get comfortable with your sexuality again, and the only way to do that is going out to sharpen your skills. You can’t do that if you hide in the past.
Lasso of Truth
The hardest thing for a woman to accept is that there is no limit to the lies a man will tell to fuck them. They point to all these things trying to prove that “it was real” but most of the time their relationships were built on a mountain of bullshit that they were too naïve to see. Dating with an STD, if done properly, is the best filter you can ever have. Those dudes who just wanted to fuck—they’re not even going to survive the two months before you have the talk. Those dudes who had secret girlfriends or families—they’re going to run the moment you have the talk. Not only are you making a man get to know you for longer than the average woman does, you’re saying, “This is something that has to be about more than sex, or we’re both wasting our time.” It’s like Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth, they are forced to admit what they really wanted from you, which 9 out of 10 times is convenient pussy, not a long term relationship. A player who was just going to give you the title to fuck raw, will be hopping over the gate and back in his car because you can’t give him that unprotected sex that most men fake-commit for. You will talk to several men who flake out on you because they can’t deal, but look on the bright side; you’ll know the real reason was them wanting a nut, not your personality.
At the same time you’ll meet guys who stay with you, and it’ll be proof that you didn’t need a Coochie Crutch. The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you can’t let the combination of love and acceptance trap you. Eventually your relationship will slip into the normal up’s and down’s that come with being a couple. If you reach a point where you are no longer happy, don’t continue to hold on because they’ve stuck by your side. They’ve had sex and put themselves at risk, that’s love—but none of that love matters if you stop getting along. I had a friend who was engaged to one of the biggest cunts I’ve ever met, and I didn’t understand why a guy with a great career and who could easily pull any chick would put up with that type of person. Later on after he called off the wedding I found out he had Herpes and she had been the first girl he dated since finding out. He confided in her, she accepted him, they fell in love, but as they grew together the red flags began to pile up. He was afraid to leave her, and was about to ruin his life by marrying this woman. Thankfully he found the strength to call it off, and the funny thing is he started dating again, and found another girl who didn’t give a fuck either. There will always be another person who wants to be with you, so long as if you’re the type of person worth being with.
How do you date with an STD? You just do it. You put your freamkem dress on, you beat that face, you go flirt with guys, and take the numbers of the ones that look good, toss the ones that don’t. You go up and pull the men that make your coochie tingle, even if you don’t plan on giving him any coochie for a long time. Have fun being young, attack life aggressively, and always be safe. Please don’t corner yourself into having house dates you can’t handle, don’t put yourself in positions where you feel a need to be sexual, or the need to confess to a virtual stranger your entire sexual history because you feel guilty about being a cock tease. Never let anyone tell you that you should live life in a bubble as if you’re some nasty freak that no real person would ever want to settle down with. Society is afraid, that’s why they want to shuttle people like you off to STD dating sites as if you’re a fucking misfit toy. The truth is, there are women who can’t get a man with their clean bill of health, and here you are proof that you can get multiple men trying to be with you despite the deck being stacked. That’s called stepping your pussy game up without using your pussy! You have every right to date in the same manner everyone else does, and anything you have read on this site when it comes to finding love or confidence still applies. Stop throwing a pity party like your status makes you an exception to these solutions, and get back to being exceptional.