Jazmine Sullivan sang about busting the windows out of her man’s car. Carrie Underwood went super hard when she keyed the truck of the nigga who dared to cheat on her. Good songs, but that shit ain’t cute. It disappoints me that this idea of “You knew I was crazy… ” has become the shield a lot of modern women hide behind. As if pretending to be out of your mind will save you from the eventual heartbreak or whip him into the perfect man you want him to be. You can plead insanity all you want, but we all know you’re not really crazy, you’re just trying to justify why you dealt with your emotions like a child instead of an adult.
Why did you throw his computer out of the window?
Because he was skyping bitches.
Why did you throw his phone in the toilet?
He had pictures of his Ex on there.
Why did you lie and tell the police he hit you?
So he knows that I don’t play all the time.
Why don’t you leave him?
I’m not going nowhere, he gotta learn how to treat me.
This girl recently asked if I’ve ever been in a relationship with a girl from the islands. I responded that I couldn’t remember, she said that I would have remembered because island girls have two memorable qualities: The best pussy on the planet and the fact that they would make your life a living hell if you tried to do them wrong. When the hell did it become cool to tout your mental instability? Women run around proudly saying they’re from certain places, related to certain people, or born in a certain month just so they can justify their crazy. “I’m sweet… but don’t test me cus I’m a Leo from the DMV and you know how we do!” O.o I’m not investing my time in that! Telling a guy that you have a history of uncontrollable rage that you blame on your astrological sign does not make him want to date you. I will admit that there is something about a girl who is volatile, bratty, and prone to mood swings that does make me want to bend her over the sink and pound the Glenn Close out of that coochie, but the weird drama fetish aside, acting out like a twelve year old isn’t going to insure that he stays around after he fucks. Crazy is cute until you’ve been scared by it, and a lot of men out here have felt the wrath of a girl who couldn’t deal and they never want to go through it again regardless of how much that bi-polar pussy yanks. At age 17 I had an ex stand outside my mother’s crib and cut up all of the stuffed animals I brought her because she saw me sitting on the porch with my new chick. It was embarrassing but I understood that as a teenage girl she wasn’t going to be rational when dealing with the end of a relationship. But a 25 year old woman tearing up clothes, setting fire to things, or wanting to fight is unacceptable, heartbreak or not. Here are a few tips to control some of those immature emotions so you can handle your relationships like a woman who was raised with sense and not one who’s destined to end up alone and psychotic like Mama Jones.
Don’t Use Counter Terrorism
Proclaiming “I’m not the one to fuck with” isn’t going to keep a man from cheating. You wonder why he lies about everything, even the small things? It’s because you’ve told him since the first date how you would stab him even if you suspected he was cheating—not for cheating—for the suspicion. That’s not how you control a man, that’s how you control to a 4th grader who keeps chewing gum in class!!! The revelation of “this bitch cray” doesn’t make your boyfriend keep his dick in his pants, it turns him into 007. The crazier you act the more he’s going to hide things from you because he doesn’t want to argue. The one thing men hate the most about relationships is arguing. It’s the main reason most of us would rather give up on a relationship then work it out. Arguments are bound to happen, but fights over trust issues and paranoia are pointless. A man and woman cannot argue over “you like her don’t you” because no matter how much he says, “I don’t’ think of her like that” she has her mind made up that he does. If he admits, “Yeah if we weren’t together I’d go for it” then she will accuse him of cheating emotionally. It’s a lose lose situation, so why even waste energy fussing about “I think you’re cheating” unless you have definite proof? My boy once had to lie that he was having lunch with me because he thought the truth would sound like a lie to his girl. Think about that. You have to lie about something normal because you don’t want to get yelled at and cross examined. That’s a bitch move for any dude to do, and not many men with balls can put up with being accused very long. No one wants to argue every time they accept a friend request from a girl they use to know or go out to have a drink with the homies. If your boo gives you reasons to believe he’s cheating every time he leaves the house then why the fuck are you torturing yourself by being with him? You’re acting like a fool because you’re afraid your man is going to hurt you, um, you don’t need to be in a relationship, you need to be in therapy. A man is going to cheat if he feels the need to –Fact– you can’t use threats or accusations to counter that.
Don’t Show Up Uninvited
Have you heard of privacy? It’s a little thing all human beings need from time to time. I don’t care if you’ve just started seeing a guy a few days ago or you’ve been seeing him for a year, don’t show up unannounced. You’re not fucking Amish, so what reason could you possibly have not to call ahead? A nice surprise is giving him head in the movie theater, not ringing his doorbell at 11pm just to say hello. If you two haven’t established boundaries such as, “here’s a key to my apartment” or “come by anytime baby” then you’re not respecting his space! There are times we’d love to see you, but there are times we love our solitude, accept that. If my niggas drop me off at my crib with drinks and pizza, ready to watch the game, and my girl is banging on the door screaming, “I see your car outside I know you’re in there”… I don’t care how much I like you, that’s some psycho shit that raises all kinds of red flags. Are you really dropping by to say hi, or are you trying to catch him doing something? Be honest. Did you happen to be in the neighborhood or were you at work wondering why that nigga never calls between the hours of 6pm-10pm and decided to investigate? I know how girls obsess over little things. Once they let doubt creep in they become Kevin Costner in JFK, everything is a conspiracy. He doesn’t call you before 10pm because he has another girl, a secret family, he’s gay, he’s a drug dealer, the list goes on.
Say you’re a girl who feels a certain way about how her boyfriend got off the phone last night, instead of talking for the usual two hours he said he was tired and hung up quick. Instead of believing he was tired, you let it eat at you. The Next day on your lunch break your mind starts to overthink and you can’t even eat your dry ass hot pocket because you’re worried you’re being played. You call your homegirl to ask for her “wisdom” about what to do. Of course that ratchet is going to cosign stopping by unannounced, she loves drama, and she even offers to go with you in case you have to Junior Dos Santos his other hoe. Cooler heads prevail and you decide you’re acting silly, you laugh off all the craziness that ran through your head, and forget the plan. To prove that you were overreacting you decide to call him at 6pm… no 6:07, that random time makes it seem like it was sporadic, not planned *kookoo*. You call but get no answer. You try a text eleven minutes later. No response. The Craziness takes over again and now you’re convinced that because he didn’t respond to your text he’s playing you *kookoo*. You jump in your car, race to where he lives, and do a drive by four times before you get out. WHY SO SERIOUS!?! Maybe the nigga is broke and doesn’t call until his minutes are free. Maybe he doesn’t feel like talking until night time. Maybe he is fucking another girl, but stop driving yourself crazy by acting crazy! There’s this incredible invention where you open your mouth and say what you’re thinking to the other person, it’s called TALKING, give it a try before going off the deep end. It doesn’t matter if you only want to see his smile and your intentions aren’t to spy, if done in a sneaky way, it still comes off as scary. Respect each other’s boundaries.
Crazy On The Net = Laughing Stock
This girl emailed me and told me how she hacked her boyfriend’s email, had his Facebook password and even created a fake twitter to see if he would flirt back. WTF is wrong with you!?! Was exactly what I wrote back to her. But she’s not a rarity; I’ve gotten over 20 emails about hacking into Facebook accounts, finding dirt, and then plotting revenge. Here’s how you get revenge– Leave his ass. But apparently that’s not going to work when you’re in love. *sighs* You would rather continue to monitor this man’s moves on the e-streets, cry yourself to sleep, then continue to act as if you don’t know he’s fucking the chick with the oiled up titty avi until you’re ready to put both of them on blast. That. Shit. Ain’t. Cute. Handle your businesses internally; don’t make a fool of yourself on social networks. You can claim crazy all you want but at the end of the day blowing up his spot isn’t going to hurt his ability to keep getting ass! A girl who wants to fuck your so called boyfriend won’t let the fact that you keep writing “all of these hoes out here need to get a life” on his Facebook wall, stop her pursuit of dick. She’s going to still fuck him, get her salad tossed, and write on your wall, “After you kiss him tell me how my ass taste”. Now the young ass games continue with everyone laughing at the fact that you’re still in a relationship with this dog ass nigga. You tried to be the crazy chick that checked her man on the internet, but now you’re the dumb bitch who made an ass of herself on someone’s newsfeed. For every girl that does uncover dirt, there are others who don’t find anything damaging yet obsess over it anyway. You’re following ten people on twitter, nine celebrities and one girl who your boo RT’d way too many times. Oh Bassica, you and your twitter egg avi aren’t fooling anyone. You look like a girl with low self-esteem and too much time on her hands. Instead of lurking in the shadows, Spartan the fuck up and tell him how you feel about the situation. Better yet stop monitoring his every damn move, if you’re that jealous. Being on the internet and being insecure do not mix! Someone is going to get their feelings hurt and 9 out of 10 times it’ll be over something that wasn’t that serious.
Are there people who are legitimately crazy? Of course, but let’s separate the Aileen Wuornos types from those pretenders on The Bad Girls club. If you can tell right from wrong and pick and choose when to pop off, you’re not crazy, you’re immature. I get it, women who run around talking about cutting people, threatening to smash windows, or write crazy shit on the internet aren’t really crazy, they simply want to make sure people don’t take advantage of them. However, you’re not scaring the bad guys into being good, you’re driving the good guys to do bad shit. Choose the right man, carry yourself like a civilized woman, and you won’t have to worry about getting him to fear you because he’ll be too busy falling in love with you.