In the immortal words of Shug Avery, ”I’s married now!“ I want to thank everyone for the well wishes. The Wedding was beautiful. The Honeymoon was epic. The bachelor party was… well we can’t talk about that. I have a lot of things I want to talk about but I thought I would spark it off with one thing that peaked my interest when I was back home. I was talking to an old friend and I asked when she and her longtime boyfriend were getting married. She rolled her eyes and told me, “The man I could have married is already married because I’m a dummy”. Meaning that she was bitter that she chose her Goon ass baby daddy over the guy she should have been with. I notice that a lot with women, this haunting regret that they took the wrong path and are now fucked romantically. No one knows how life would have been if they went with this person as opposed to that person, we can only guess. But there is a way for women to have their cake and eat it too. It’s called the Back-Up Dick.
As a man I hate the idea of a girl secretly keeping a safety net around. That means we’re always one argument away from some nigga running up in our girl, but when I strip away my male bias and think as if I were a woman, it makes so much sense. Why wouldn’t a girl keep a Back-Up Dick on deck? I’m not talking about a ex you get head from because you’re horny or the platonic male friends who you let fuck after you had too many drinks. Nor am I talking about the lame thirsty niggas bored girls hit up when they want attention or a free meal. I’m talking about The Back-up Dick, the guy who’s good enough to be your man, but you don’t touch until the Titanic is sinking. The Back-Up Dick is not a fuck buddy, he’s the boyfriend in training, he is that guy who likes you romantically yet you put him to the side because you have a better prospect. He may not be “perfect” in your eyes, he has flaws that are more obvious than the guy you’re seeing, but over time he can become what you want him to be.
If you’re in a serious relationship then you’re not thinking about a Back-Up Dick, you’re happy with your man and don’t need a safety net because you fly or die with that nigga– Mazel Tov. If you’re single and stuck between two men you like, in a complicated relationship, or just like to keep your options open, you may want to consider project B.U.D. You met Victor at the Sprint store, he charmed the fuck out of you, but you and Will are up to the fourth date, technically you’re not exclusive but it’s headed that way. You like Will, but you’re unsure if you really want to be with him. PAUSE. If you are unsure—take Victor’s number. If you really wanted Will above all else the thought of taking that number wouldn’t have even crossed your mind, but it did so your heart is telling you something. Don’t let them know about each other until the decision is made, in the end you make one your man and the other the Back-Up Dick. I know you feel wrong, it feels like you’re cheating emotionally, blah blah blah. Take the barrettes out of your hair and Spartan up because you’re going to regret not talking to this guy later, it always happens. Once you break up do you want to go through another six months of being lonely while wondering if you should have talked to Victor instead? Do you want to put up with months of giving in to post break up sex with your asshole ex? Do you want to experience the feeling of your ex becoming FaceBook official with some other chick a month after the break up? Then keep at least one guy in that phone book and invest in a Back-Up Dick, it helps you avoid the rebound period and better transitions you into a new relationship.
“He’s Just A Friend!”: The hardest part of having a Back-Up Dick is how to explain him to your boyfriend. Sometimes you can luck up and say you went to school together, but most of the time you have no history with your potential suitor. You don’t want to lie and hide his name under a girl’s name in your phonebook, as soon as you do that you’re going into the dark waters of cheating. He’s not the guy you are going to cheat with; he’s the guy that’s going to inherit the throne after your boyfriend fucks up. Create a reason for you to know this guy. He fixes cars. He sells weed. He works security at the night club. Every girl knows random niggas who they have to interact with. My favorite excuse is, “He’s Keisha’s boyfriend, I don’t want him, we’re just talking about what they’re going through”. But the smartest reason is the truth… sort of. When getting into a fresh relationship a guy will be curious as to who else you talk to. Even if you’re not talking to anyone at the time always say you have a few homies. Never give out names unless you already have a pre established Back-Up Dick on your roster, that way it’s easy to slip someone new in. Now when Victor calls you at an inappropriate time you can fall back on, “Bay, you remember Victor, that’s the homie who gets me that discount on my phone bill. I told you about him on our first date, you’re so forgetful!”
Game Show That Pussy: Let the Back-Up Dick know that you have a boyfriend even if the other guy you really like isn’t your man yet. If you let Victor know that you were single and chose another guy over him—it’s a wrap. You hurt his feelings and insulted his intelligence by thinking he would stick around and play Back-Up Dick. Never let your B.U.D know what he is! Women are too fucking honest! Why would you ever tell one guy you like that he’s great, but the other guy is who you want to be with? This isn’t VH1, no one is going to let you put a clock around their neck; kiss you on the cheek and say, “thanks for the chance”. That will ruin his ego and if he does end up talking to you again best believe revenge will be on his mind! Your Back-Up Dick has to think, “If she were single she would be with me”. This way he’ll always be on the hunt to out due your boyfriend, thus you benefit. He will talk to you on the phone at night when you’re sad and he’ll take you out when you want to go out. This is done under the pretense of being a “good friend” but in reality he’s playing Survivor: Vagina Island. Why would a man want to put in work with a woman who’s already in a relationship? Simple. We’re men and all men know that 80% of the time the relationship you are in is going to fail—Lehman Brothers. And when it does fail guess what happens? Good old Victor who wasn’t as cute as your boyfriend or didn’t have as much money as your boyfriend will come out smelling like roses because despite his short comings that man was there to hold you down. Test passed.
Make Him Your Friend NOT Your Brother: Do not make your Back-Up Dick your bff. Keep the relationship respectable but still flirty. The moment you tell Victor “I think of you like a brother” his dick goes soft. Sure he may still sniff around, but you just told him he’s in the forehead kiss category, no man wants to be in the forehead kiss category. The instant you two go on play “brother and sister” terms you lose the spark needed for romance. You can’t rub your sister’s ass; you can’t have phone sex with your bro. It’s a double edged sword because a guy who’s just “friends” with a girl he wants to be with will withhold info about his other girls because it may hurt his chance down the line. Once you become bffs and start telling each other everything, you are inviting him to tell you about the girls he’s seeing. Wait… you’re not the only girl he calls “sexy”, when he tells you he has to call you back he’s really going to talk to his boo? Yes! Your Back-Up Dick has a life of his own; he has other pussy that he’s first in line for, no matter how much he likes you he has to do him because you are doing you. You can’t help being jealous, so limit how much you guys tell each other. Keep your B.U.D as a good friend—not a best friend and never refer to him as your brother.
Never Fuck Your Back-Up Dick: Maybe you couldn’t resist and had sex the first week you met each other or maybe he hit years before you two reconnected, there are exceptions. Do not test the dick game of a B.U.D. I repeat he is not your Fuck buddy. The moment you two start carrying on a sexual relationship you ruin everything. You’re with your man but giving Victor the ass on the side. You’re not being clever, you’re being a hoe. It’s called Back-Up Dick not Side Dick, know the difference. This isn’t about sex, it’s about having a safety net, as soon as you start blurring the lines you become… well… a man. Don’t be greedy, there will be times when the Back-Up Dick does things that your man doesn’t. He will remember your birthday, he will call you to make sure you did okay on your exam, where as your real boyfriend probably forgot. Don’t see this as him outperforming your boyfriend; see this as him doing his job as a Back-Up Dick. He’s putting in the kind of work your boo doesn’t have to put in anymore because he already has you. I guarantee you that once you fuck your B.U.D he will stop putting in work, hell he may even move on all together and stop calling you. Why? Because like any man pussy is the magnet. He may like you as a friend and be willing to wait it out for a few years, but the moment he fucks you the drive to put in work disappears. You went from being the girl of his dreams to just another cheating hoe he smashed. I don’t care if you’re drunk, horny, or looking for revenge— do not fuck your Back-Up Dick.
When To Break The Glass: The day after you break up is not the time to call up Victor and tell him you want to go out on a date or express how much you’re in love with him. Like any relationship you need time before you jump back in the water. The advantage you have over girls who cut Victor off so they could be with Will is that you don’t feel like an idiot, you don’t have to track down Victor’s number and apologize for choosing the wrong Pokemon. Victor is there to talk to you, wipe your tears, and more importantly help you get over Will faster than you would have normally. The main reason women go back to their ex-boyfriends is comfort. They are use to having a guy around so as soon as it’s over they miss that feeling and make the mistake of going back to the same piece of shit nigga they left a few weeks earlier. Your Back-Up Dick won’t let that happen. He’ll give you everything you need without the threat of hurting you because by this time you two are true friends. He’s been your B.U.D for 8 months, he’s proven himself to be a good man and you’ve proven yourself to be a good woman. He’s tried every trick in the book to smash and you didn’t give up the pussy, so he knows you’re not a cheater. He’s been talking to you on the phone nearly every day so knows you’re spoiled and bi-polar yet he still wants to be with you. And finally you still have a romantic spark because you’re not “brother and sister” close. Your Back-Up Dick probably has his own relationship by now, but trust that he’s ready to drop that bitch for you because you’re who he always wanted. After a month or two you two can take it to the next level. It won’t be scary because you know and trust this guy. You don’t have to waste dates talking about where you grew up and your favorite movies, it’s like you two have been dating already. How perfect is that?
It might work out and your B.U.D could become the love of your life or it may end disastrously because you two weren’t romantically compatible, nothing is promised, but you got rid of the “What If” aspect. Every time a woman decides to be with one man over another a part of her will always question if she made the right choice, and once that relationship ends that regret will grow. B.U.D do expire, they’ll eventually move on to their own serious relationship or your bond with your man may become strong enough where you don’t want the temptation in your life. Once that happens retire your Back-Up Dick knowing that you made the right decision after all. But until that they don’t be afraid to bomb shelter your heart. Back-Up Dicks aren’t about being trifling or being dishonest, it’s about keeping your best option open so you won’t have to deal with the torment of letting the wrong guy go. Some call it being selfish, I call it being smart.