Long Distance Relationships, when you just can’t say goodbye to that local ass. A lot of people are quick to tell you it works, times will be rough, but eventually your boo will come back to pack you up like you’re Woody from Toy Story and you’ll live happily ever after. I’m going to be real. Woody was dropped the fuck off and got a new owner at the end of the last Toy Story and so will you.
You’re in school, you’re moving for work, you can only find pussy on the internet, etc… there are all sorts of reasons people are forced into a Long Distance Relationship, so it’s impossible to point out and focus on one. The basic idea is that you and that person are hundreds, even thousands, of miles apart. A long distance relationship is not: you live in DC and she lives in Virginia. You can walk that shit. I’m talking about real life LDRs where you would need to fly or take a road trip to visit them. Are you built for a long distance relationship, you can say dumb shit like, “Yeah, I don’t even go out much”. But it has nothing do with being social, being able to go without sex, or being a good person. It takes way more effort to date from a distance. If you like that person or think that person is the one, then end it now. For this shit to work you have to love that person and know that they are the one.
Everyone Likes To Fuck: Let’s get straight to the biggest problem in LDRs. Sex. I applaud women, most of you can go forever without sex, men aren’t built like that. There is not enough Lavish Styles porn in the world to quench the thirst for sex. It’s like Vampire Bill drinking bottles of nasty ass True Blood when he could be sucking real blood, the shit is torture. Women who agree to Long Distance Relationships have to keep one thing in mind. He’s going to fuck somebody else. Even if he doesn’t, you have to mentally prepare yourself to deal with that. If you sucker yourself into thinking, “My man’s perfect, we phone bone every night”, then you’re being naïve. The crazy thing about men is that we have ego’s that make us think that our dicks are as big as the Sears tower and our looks are flawless. A man engaging in a Long Distance Relationship is in the same boat as a woman, but they couldn’t be further apart mentally. She can be out their slinging pussy to every Omega Psi Phi on campus or confiding in Jimmy at work who’s a pro at the “Watch me fuck the new girl” game. But men rarely allow ourselves to look at the “What If” of that situation, it’s always, “She ain’t doing shit, I got her on lock”! It may be true or it may be hubris, but other than a few nasty phone calls when you don’t return his call on a Saturday night, he’s not going to trip because he THINKS you’ll never give his pussy away. Women aren’t so sure because men are known to fuck anything with breasts and a warm hole. If you’re a jealous woman, don’t get into a LDR because it will wreck your fucking head! What’s the point of calling his phone ten times in a row then texting him—
where are you? Answer me! I hate you!
Don’t call me! Baby I miss you… I didn’t mean it.
Just call me I love you…
–All in the span of an hour because you think he’s out with another girl? You’re not stopping him from cheating you’re making him think, “Damn, if she’s crazy 1500 miles away, what happens when we’re in the same city?” Men fear Women because they are unpredictable. I’ve had things tossed at my head enough times to know that you can’t read a woman’s mood 100%. If she’s flipping on the phone, then she’s going to flip when you settle in the same place. My advice, desensitize yourself to it form the jump. Know that you’re getting into a situation you can’t control—yes, let go of the control. Don’t think it’s an open relationship, still hold him accountable when he doesn’t call for a week, but train your mind not to feed into the, “Is he or isn’t he” aspect of it. Unless he’s blatantly giving you cause for concern such as not calling, being distracted when he’s talking to you, or other shit men do locally as well as long distance to make you think he’s cheating, take it easy.
Imaginary Friend: You know the lame nigga in school who always had a girl but you never seen her? You clown him and make beat off jokes daily. That’s what you become when you have a serious LDR. I say serious because a lot of niggas treat LDRs like reserve pussy. For every good man that goes away and keeps his boo in his heart like he’s about to fight a Confederate soldier, you have your regular “Pussy by any means necessary” nigga who’s going to do him. How can you tell which man you have? You can’t. Men like to bust each other’s balls. “That bitch cheating on you… she’s not going to know… when did you get soft!” We say this to each other, half the time we’re not even serious, it’s that Joe Pesci in Goodfellas mentality. And it’s always the most pussy whipped niggas egging you on just to see if you’re dumb enough to fuck up. And guess what? If you’re weak, you will fuck up. It takes a strong dude to let himself look like a lame. But there is nothing lame about not chasing new pussy when you’re committed to a woman you care about.Let them tease you and test you, because when she does find out that you were in Florida getting burned by a ratchet and leaves you, those same ball busting niggas are going to calling you dumb behind your back.
In Love With A Voice: If your girlfriend’s voice sounds like the Vagina faced dude from Star Trek, It’s going to be a rough road. Long phone conversations, the type you had when you were a teenager, are going to become the norm. That’s the only way you can give her attention, so get ready for it. Most non-simp men aren’t phone people, we weren’t raised to hang on the front porch with a cordless phone by our ear. Unless we’re talking about sports or pussy we keep conversations as short as possible. With LDRs you can’t be like, “Yeah, uh huh, holla at me when you get off, I’ll come over”. That doesn’t fly. This is it. If you’re serious about making it work then you have to treat that voice on the phone like it’s a person in the room. You watch TV together, you talk about the past, the future, maybe you don’t talk at all and just breathe, either way—that phone is your girlfriend. Women can rock with the talk talk talk all day and night. But just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you’re saying anything to him. Communication requires more than just spewing words. Females leave way too much unsaid and let things build in their heads, in a LDR you can’t do that. If you’re having family, school, or work issues you speak on it. This man doesn’t know what your life is like; you’re his only bridge to your world. If you have an attitude about something else and redirect that anger at him, he’s going to think you’re getting sick of the LDR or fucking some other dude. You have to open up. Texting during LDRs? Leave it alone. Text when busy, but don’t make it a substitute for phone time. Once you stop talking nightly and start mass text conversations then you become as important to him as his Facebook crush. Talk! And don’t be afraid to have phone sex. I don’t care if you don’t like to talk dirty or if you don’t masturbate. This is all you have unless you’re side dicking it on the weekends. Don’t brush off his phone sex session by saying, “I want the real thing”, you better use your imagination and pretend that crooked cucumber is the man you plan to marry! If you two don’t keep each other sexually interested; it’s over before it even started.
Sacrifice: Plane tickets aren’t cheap. Gas isn’t cheap. So how do you decide who comes to see who? It doesn’t matter, someone do something. LDRs aren’t about taking turns, you see me this month, and I see you next month. It’s about seeing each other when you can. If he can fly out to see you on every break from school, cool! If she can’t, don’t hold it against her. Too many arguments start over—“But you didn’t even come see me, I’ve seen you four times this summer”. Stop it. The point is you’re seeing each other. If he is crying broke yet he took a trip to South Beach with his boys, then yeah, get in his ass. If she’s buying red bottoms with her student loan check instead of booking a flight, then get in her ass. But when you’re both in a struggle for money or time, be understanding.
Wow, I Don’t Like You: A buddy of mine told me a war story. He moved his LDR girlfriend out from New York and in with him. He even put a down payment on a car for her so she could get around LA. Less than a month later she left him for another guy. It’s one of those stories where all you can say is, “That’s fucked up, man” over and over. Nothing anyone can say is going to make his heart heal. He admitted that he still loves her and that he fears running into her in public every time he’s out. There is nothing he could have done to stop this, besides being psychic. I’m sure she loved him too; the thing is when you’re use to being in a relationship where you don’t have to put in physical time, you think everything will fall in place as soon as you’re together—“No No No!” *Teenage Beyonce Voice. During a LDR every visit is a honeymoon. You go out and eat, come back home and fuck, its paradise. But when you actually have to deal with that person every day, it’s a whole new ball game. Wow, she’s not as neat as she is when I come in for the weekend. Damn, he talks a lot more than he does on the phone. The best relationships prevail despite annoying things. We all are annoying in different ways, being in the same city will help expose those things and make it easier for you to decide if you can or can’t deal. During LDR’s you can’t tell. Be warned, when you two finally end up together in the same place it’s like starting over.
Do you want to deal with all of that? Ask yourself honestly. I know dating locally isn’t easy, but it’s nowhere as stressful as doing the shit cross country. Just say no to Long Distance Relationships. But if you’re strong, trusting, and are in love to the point where you can’t imagine letting that person go, then fuck saying no. If your heart is telling you that person is the one, then follow it, it’s a gamble but fuck it, that’s life! I was in a long distance relationship, I was forced to sip on that nasty ass True Blood and sacrifice all kinds of fun shit, but you know what—I’d do it again without missing a beat, and so would she, because it ended with her sitting in the next room happy as hell with a ring on that finger.