Remember that movie The Sixth Sense with Bruce Willis? He walked around living his life, treating his patient, trying to understand why his marriage was falling apart. Spoiler alert. The nigga was dead. That movie works on so many levels, but mainly because it plays to our inability to take a hard look at ourselves. Every time I am at a club and I hear a Ratchet whisper about another girl being ratchet, I think about The Sixth Sense. Ratchets don’t know they’re ratchet, and it is so funny to watch Ratchet A rag on Ratchet B for doing the same things she does. That’s fun and innocent, just another day in ratchetville. What bothers me are the Basic Bitches who dare to call other women Basic. Ratchets have swag, they have self-confidence, and regardless of how flea market they look, you can’t tell them they aren’t the hottest chicks in the club. Ratchet Rochelle will be in the spot, tampon string dangling, while she’s booty popping to “Bring It Back”. But she’s not embarrassed, she’s like, “Least I ain’t pregnant, hoe” as she proceeds to pop a birth control pill and wash it down with Ciroc Coconut. Call it what you want, but that is a woman sure of herself. Basic Bitches are worse than ratchets because they are arrogant for no reason, their confidence doesn’t come from who she is, it comes from who she thinks she is. Basic Bitches are in denial, they’re like Natalie Nunn screaming, “I run LA“, clinging to some notion that she’s a celebrity because she can get into a club for free.
Basic Bitches are the weakest women in the world. They mask their inferiority with brand names. Blame their shortcomings on others. Hate on things they don’t have. And put way too much stock into what others think of them. We men love basic bitches; it’s like shooting ratchets in a Rainbow dressing room. Basic Bitches get ran through by men of a higher class and then call them jerks. He used you for sex, so what—you are not 12 years old you know what men want. Maybe if you spent more time getting to know him you would have realized that he was a douche bag. But he ordered a bottle of champagne and feed you sushi, and those basic bloomers dropped before you had a chance to ask what his last name was. Basic Bitches don’t end up with great men; they end up with men who also love to bathe in basicness. The Goon who thinks matching neck tattoos is love. The NFL rookie who wants to make her his fifth baby mama. The get rich quick hustler who spends $40 dollars a week on lottery tickets and promises her he is going to give her a house on the hill. Great Men see Basic Girls as pussy, easy to game, and even easier to get rid of. Basic Men see Basic Girls as the perfect Wifey because no matter how flawed he is, she’s not going to do better. To be basic is to be a conformist, materialistic and unambitious to the point of parody. You watch TV to see how you should wear your hair. You wear clothes you hear everyone talking about; with no regard for if it looks hot or not. You think you are swagged out but your whole style is borrowed. Hair like Keri Hilson, Shades like Angela Simmons, repeating the same slang as Nicki Minaj… when does the emulation stop and the originality begin? It’s cool to take what someone else did, but you have to add to it, make it your own, let the bum bitches laugh at you, it’s better to be called weird than be called a biter.
“Gucci Gucci, Louis Louis, Fendi Fendi, Prada. Basic Bitches Wear That Shit So I Don’t Even Bother”
The Clothes Don’t Make The Woman: So you’re making $9.75 an hour, closet full of Louboutin heels and Gucci bags, and let us pretend that this shit is legit. You’ve saved your money, maybe got a hook up from your cousin and them. You’re living like a Sex In The City Girl on the budget of Kevin from the Wonder Years. What’s the point? Besides looking good for a night in a dark club, what do you get from that shit? You’re not on a reality TV show. You don’t go anywhere but to the club and to work. Instead of saving that money and buying flier shit that is half the price you want to stunt like you’ve made it. Basic Bitches love to shut down the mall and shit on every girl in the club. Let’s face facts. You spending $800 on clothing is not shutting down the mall. The Mall owner is not going to run out, shake your hand and say, “Damn we have to close early today because you brought a Louis wallet”. Dear, Basica Alba, you are an idiot. Basic Bitches floss on people who aren’t worth flossing on. They pack into the Hyundai, windows down so the block niggas can see the Dior Shades. They circle the block until after The Maury Show goes off so all the neighboring ratchets can see them stepping out with bags. Then they switch into their mama’s house with red bottoms on their feet, as if Tyra just gave them a runway challenge. A Basic Bitch would tell you she shut the block down and niggas were breaking their necks. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but niggas break their necks for anything with titties. Ruth the 54-year-old mail lady with the misshapen ass gets looks, we’re men, don’t be flattered. You succeeded in impressing no one. “You see how them hoes was hating, girl“? That ratchet across the way wears the same outfit twice a week, and you both fuck with the same low class men. You’re spending money to keep up with her? Your life’s goal is to stunt on a girl with a ponytail who wears Reeboks? At the end of the day you and Reebok girl are going to end up fucking the same dope boy, because men don’t care about labels, they care about ass and titties.
“Bitch You Ain’t No Barbie, I See You Work At Arbys, #2 Super-Size, Hurry up! I’m Starving”
False Idols: What do you want to be when you grow up little girl. “I want to be Amber Rose”. Who is this Amber Rose and what does she do little girl? “…she um, I think she models… or something.” Oh really, what publications? “King Magazine“. Oh, you Remedial cunt, you have no clue what a hero is. The difference between you and Amber Rose is that when she was 18 she could walk into VIP. Where as you are in line, twenty dollars balled up in your hand, thinking every nigga with a rhinestone T-shirt and Aviator glasses is signed to YMCMB. I do not mind gold diggers; I actually respect their hustle, because in order to position yourself around men of status you have to be crafty. It doesn’t matter how you look, it’s about how you carry yourself. Dozens of big ass redbones have traveled to the Hamptons and been turned away from the all white party because they didn’t have the charisma needed to crash the party. Basic Bitches point to other hoes, and instead of figuring out how she got her spot, they hate and think they are superior, “I’m prettier than Royce, I can fuck a NBA center if I met one“. You’ve already lost, Royce had talent and a job, you have Remy hair and a bus pass. This isn’t 1941, there are powerful women that any young lady could look up to and use as a blueprint, yet they are so paralyzed by Spinal Basic-itous, that they refuse to go the Oprah route. You know why “Girls (We Run The World)” flopped yet a song about a man putting a ring on your finger was a smash hit? Basic women would rather feel empowered by a man making her his possession than believing that women can do anything on their own. If it was called “Girls (We Phat ta’ Death)” that shit would have crushed the charts. Basic Bitches support basic concepts and aspire to be like that baldhead chick who fucks rappers. This is the world we live in.
Penis Doesn’t Make You Popular: When I was talking to this girl in high school, she had the nerve to say, “I usually mess with grown men who drive Ac’s”. Meaning that I, a teenager who caught the light rail, should be honored to have sampled a vagina of that magnitude. Basic Bitches begin their ascent to planet basic at a young age. In the same way young goons are impressed by drug dealers, Baby Basics get open off girls who hop out of the cars of ballers. Baby Basics are taught that getting the attention of a guy with a car that had power windows and leather seats was proof that she had arrived at boss bitch status. Fucking for car rides to school didn’t make you five star then and fucking for car rides back to your shitty apartment doesn’t make you fire star now. You know who has boss bitch status? That nerd girl who wrote your Great Gatsby book report, kept her virginity until college, and went on to start her own business and own multiple luxury cars. The amount of men that lust after you does not make you the shit, if anything it means that you look like you’re easy to fuck and guys are going to line up to take turns like they’re pulling Excalibur out of the rock.
Hater: Basic Bitches love to throw shade on people who are doing it bigger than they are. “I’m not trying to hate but—” is the rally cry of basic bitches, saying you’re not hating then proceeding to hate is beyond basic. You see a guy you use to talk to riding clean, “I’m not trying to hate, but his mother put that car in her name because his credit ain’t good“. Your homeboy tries to talk to a girl you know instead of you, “I’m not trying to hate, but she be caking on all that foundation, and I think she still in love with her old boyfriend“. People are entitled to opinions, but Basica Simpsons always have something to say, yet they don’t say shit. If you do not care, or if something is “below you” then why speak on it? You hate Nicki Minaj okay, move on. No, you can’t leave it at that, you have to run down the worst lines on her album. Why the fuck did you care enough to remember the verse if you are not a fan? You don’t like iphones or Androids because you are Team Black Berry… If your monkey ass doesn’t own stock in RIM you’re not team Black Berry, you’re just too cheap to buy a modern phone. That’s like my grandmother saying “Fuck that touch tone, Team Rotary is in the building”! It is cool to like what you have, but do not slander others and say, “I don’t mean to hate, but that iphone battery dies too fast for me“. Basic Bitches pretend that they’re so important, that they’re so busy, yet they have time to go on YouTube and throw shade on musicians, “he can’t really sing, I don’t see why yall watch this” You’re watching it too dumb ass! Basica Rabbit, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to tell everyone how they should feel about everything you don’t like. Now go sit your ass down.
Your Mother Was Probably Basic: Basicism is not stumbled upon, it is taught in the Dojo’s of Basicdom at a very early age. “If you’re going to run around with these little boys, you better make sure they’re doing something for you“. Oh Basic Mom, you have done a wonderful job in teaching your daughter that a nigga in a Lexus is like a hitting the pick four lotto. Parents have to live vicariously through their children. Maybe life didn’t work out as plan, and they see this as another shot. Instead of saying, “You can be a Rocket Scientist and discover alternative means of fueling cars” Basic Mom says, “Go to school for nursing, it doesn’t take that long and they start you out good“. Are you serious? You don’t want to do something you love, you want to do something you think is easy and gets you out of your mother’s house as quickly as possible. If you teach that line of thinking at an early age, that poor girl cannot help but fall victim. Being taught to get by in life instead of excel at life is the reason why we have this resurgence of Basicnomics. Basic Girls do not drink ambition because they’ve been raised to hate the taste of it. Have you ever wondered why a bright young girl would drop out of school when she doesn’t have any kids or bills? It’s her bloodline. When you come from a tradition of half-ass people, you are going to go the half-ass route. “School is so boring, I don’t even want to be a Dentist anymore, my aunt works down at the courthouse and can get me a job“. Rumble Basic Bitch Rumble.
So why am I going so hard on these types of women and not the men? Don’t deflect from the issue Basica Biel. The fact of the matter is being basic does not hold men back, it holds women back. The thing about Basic Men is that they are privileged to live in a society where the dumbest of dick wielders can become president. Kato Kalin, Marcus Dupree, the little nigga who said “Suck My Dick with a Motherfucking Condom”, this world rewards those types. We celebrate Basicness in men, and laugh at the Basic women who trot into our parties wearing cheap perfume, handing out vista print business cards, telling everyone that she is a model/call center specialist. This is a man’s world, that’s why undeserving men stay winning. But why do you even care? Focus on being the best woman you can be and stop worrying about the double standards of life. Self-pity reeks of Basicness.
When you go out to the club and get your 4th of July ass bounce on you’re going to feel a need to look at another female and refer to her as a Basic Bitch. Before you pass judgment on her, look at yourself. This is the part of the movie where Haley Joel says, “I see dead people” and Bruce Willis says, “Where, little nigga?” If you are in the same room as women you deem basic, what does that make you? You are in the same basic club trying to get pulled by the same basic men they are. The fact that you are breathing the same air with that level of primitive hoe is proof that your life took a wrong turn and you, Miss “bad bitch”, may be the most basic of them all.