Dating Websites. The Final frontier for those fed up with the bullshit people they meet in their everyday lives. Work too much, no time for love—eHarmony that shit. Tired of the thirsty niggas at the club and bars— Crank that Match.com. Looking to fuck another girl’s man— AshleyMadison is for you. What do I think of dating websites—they’re bullshit. “But NC my friend found love online and they’re married” Guess what? People have gotten married off of MySpace, so any stat about those who “made it” I take with a grain of salt. You put 200 lonely people in the same chat room at least 10 of them are going to end up fucking and cuffing.
Last week a friend asked me to set up her profile. She thought I could make her seem like the perfect girl… Me writing your Bio isn’t going to make these dudes on the site want you. Your profile picture is the only thing they’re checking for. That is the inherent problem with these sites. Men don’t take it as seriously as women, they’re picture surfing. We don’t care if you like to hike and bicycle—add a full body picture so I can make a decision. She’s 5”6, no kids, doesn’t smoke, about average body, drinks socially, spiritual not religious… okay, but are you fucking? That should be the first question you answer because that’s all we care about.
I spent the better part of a day fucking around on match.com. I was shocked to see that 40% of these chicks were dimes (at least 25 miles from my zip code). I allowed my inner Bruce Banner to Hulk out and I ignorantly ranked the top five I thought were the most attractive. One girl in particular caught my attention and I started reading her little bio because unlike Mr. Thirsty, I’m educated enough to know that knowledge is power. So she’s new in town… a southern bell… and she’s not looking for something frivolous… hmmm. In five minutes I had a blueprint on how I would attack this chick. I was going to give her my one “free wink” but I decided that was taking it too far. I guess you can see who looks at your profile because the next morning I got a wink from her— if I were single I would have went extra hard at this girl, but I deactivated the account content with the fact that I was able to write a epic “What I’m looking for” section that got this woman’s attention. Love is War, and giving a predator all of this information on you is like giving General Patton a satellite printout of the enemy’s headquarters. I’m not spending $40 a month to fall in love with some random Sagittarius chick from Long Beach who likes to play tennis. I’m paying for the intel because that’s the key to getting those panties off. But I’m a man and these sites are NOT FOR MEN. They’re for women. Women aren’t looking to “hook up” on some Craig’s list shit; these women are legitimately trying to find someone to vibe with on a deeper level. My main question for women who look to these sites for love is: Are you being lazy or do you have a valid excuse for why you can’t get out and socialize?
It Does The Work For You: “We do in depth research so that your first date is like your fifth date” Suck a dick eHarmony. I don’t want you to do the work for me. Research? What the hell is that? Seeing what city she grew up in and if she’s a dog person or cat person? The entire point of dating is to form a bond, you’re discovering them one conversation at a time. Getting a laundry list of semi-personal facts doesn’t tell you anything. You can’t measure chemistry by comparing questionnaires. She could be a Conservative Baptist and I could be a liberal Atheist and when we get together it could be the greatest love of all time. Dating is not checking off “no smokers, no one with kids”. That’s not real life. And do you think guys don’t know what girls are looking for when they’re answering questions? You don’t self deprecate on a dating site, you make yourself look like a god. You’re a perfect man who loves everything and plays every sport, has read every book and seen every movie. Now the first date isn’t about getting to know more about him, it’s about figuring out what was bullshit and what was real. Research my ass.
I Don’t Have Time: “Oh I’m so busy with work, I can’t meet anyone with this schedule” You’re not that damn busy. In the time you took to fill out that questionnaire you could have been dressed, out the door, and meeting your friends for drinks. You’re not busy, you’re lazy. You want to shop for boyfriends like you shop for shoes. Four browser tabs open, deciding which will look best for summer. “Oh girl I think I’ll go for light skin and husky this season, that may be my fit”. If you’re too busy to find a man, you’re too busy to keep a man. What happens when you’re dating? Does your work schedule become lighter? You didn’t have time to go out to the bar, now you have time to go out to dinner? Stop treating your heart like an Amazon wish list. Close those browser tabs and get your lazy ass up.
I’m Sick of The Same Crowd: Wack ass city, wack ass club, wack ass DJ’s, wack ass men… Call the wambulance! You don’t live under Jim Crow law; you can go anywhere you want to– you are in that club because you chose to go to that club. I can go to Yelp, search your city and find ten places you never stepped foot in. But you don’t want to go there because you’re intimidated. “Oh it’s a white crowd”, “They charge too much”, or the classic: “I don’t like their music”. Didn’t you say you wanted a different crowd? Do you really want to listen to Travis Porter that bad or are you afraid to go to an establishment where you don’t get patted down at the door? So where do you go after you drive pass the new place and your friends call it corny? Back to the same hole in the wall club, with the same ratchet friends, complaining about the same broke niggas. The next day you’re on a dating site trying to find a new crowd while looking at those same niggas who were probably at the same club you were at last night. Irony is crazy.
Hide Behind That Keyboard:You’re on every social media site saying things like, “I’m not looking for love on the internet, my phone just dry” no ma, you’re dry and lonely. You spend all day on the fucking computer and phone, maybe you should be trying to fuck something via broadband. You sit at home all day tweeting about what’s on TV– that’s why you’re single. Go outside! That’s why I do recommend dating sites for one group of people—Shy Girls. Behind a keyboard a shy chick goes Dark Phoenix saga on that ass, she’s funny, she’s flirty, and she’s confident. I would rather a girl like that sign up for one of these dating websites then go to a club and spend the entire night dancing by herself to Racks On Racks. You just spent $20 getting into the club and another $20 buying yourself drinks because no guys want to approach a girl whose mean mugging– Losing. Instead of blowing that $40 to look awkward in that leopard print skirt, use that money to sign up for a site. It’s fast, easy, and you can hide behind a computer screen instead of opening your mouth and taking a risk.
But if you’re a Spartan and you have the guts to leave the damn house and go somewhere new, then leave OKcupid to the lazy hoes that make excuses. Fuck putting your life on display for a bunch of thirsty internet nerds and predators. Put your freakum dress on, take a few shots of something non-fruity and get out there and meet people the old fashion way– offline.