I hate birthdays. I hate when people are drunk in the club screaming “It’s my birthday! Yeaaaa” you’re not special because some DJ shouts you out before he hits a button on his lap top and plays the latest who gives a fuck pop/rap bullshit. Just because it’s your birthday, it doesn’t give you the right to stumble around wasting your bottom shelf liquor on my shoes. Just because it’s your birthday, it doesn’t give you the right to keep reminding every stranger who walks by you, “It’s my birthday”. In case you can’t tell I’m just being an asshole because it’s that time of the year again and I’m jealous. My birthday is on January 1st. So that means when the ball drops for the New Year I have to celebrate my b-day with the world. That’s not special. “Oh your birthday is on a holiday, how cool?” no it’s not. I get Christmas/birthday gifts and since I was 17 I’ve been too hungover to enjoy the actual “day” part of it. So I hate on everyone else because they get to feel special because on October 12th nothing else matters but your big day. The world treats you like royalty but all I get are ratchet texts from old girlfriends who only remember my birthday because it’s synonymous with them getting drunk and fucked. “Oh its new year’s… that’s my ex-boyfriend’s birthday let me text him before you put it back in”… true story. I’ve been waiting to get that rant out for years, but enough of my bitching, the real reason I’m writing this is because it’s the end of the year and in addition to my shared birthday it’s time for the 1st Annual Black Girls Are Easy Awards aka The Ratchies. When I started this blog ten months ago I never thought people would love my nonsense this much. So I’m going to give back to you by talking shit about others.
BEST FILM OF THE YEAR:
The Social Network. In film school they told us a successful film must always have a protagonist the audience can cheer for. Well guess what, that’s bullshit. Not only is Jesse Eisenberg’s Mark Zuckerberg portrayal an exercise in douchery, its proof that you can make the lead character an asshole and still have the audience care about his journey. Aaron Sorkin is a god among men and I will be shocked if this film doesn’t come away with a best adapted screenplay Oscar.
Honorable Mention: Black Swan, Inception, and The Fighter.
WORST FILM OF THE YEAR:
Why Did I Get Married Too? I’ve seen two Taylor Perry movies all the way through and the first was the Why Did I Get Married, which I kinda enjoyed. This one was a turd; a bloated melodrama, anchored by the typical “Black men are evil and must be punished” Perry propaganda. If you haven’t seen it stop reading… that means right now and go down to the Music section. I’m serious I’m about to spoil the hell out of this movie so if you don’t want to be mad I suggest you—Gaven’s death is the worst scene in the history of Hollywood, I’m not talking so bad it’s good like Faye Dunaway screaming “No Wire Hangers!” this shit is so bad I want to punch someone for writing it. Then we pick back up two minutes later, the nigga’s body isn’t even cold, and The Rock come over like “Hey Janet Jackson’s character, I’m Light skin and, in Tyler Perry’s World this makes me the perfect negro so let’s get married”. Bullshit.
Honorable Mentions: A Nightmare On Elm Street, the Funeral, Eclipse
BEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR:
Waka Flocka Flame’s Flocavelli. Fuck you it’s my Awards show blog. I downloaded this CD with the intent of having something to laugh at while I drove to Santa Monica one day. This shit is CRAZY. The production is hot, the hooks are fire, and it makes me want to fight. Not since MOP screamed “Fiyah!” have I felt this way about music, but unlike the Mash Out Posse, Flocka keeps the adrenaline going for most of the CD’s and had ratchet bitches everywhere wanting to do it with no hands. …so what if he isn’t lyrical, it’s a great CD.
Honorable Mention: Thank me Later, Twisted Dark Fantasy, and Speak Now.
BEST SONG OF THE YEAR
Any Song That Featured Nicki Minaj. Fuck you twice. It’s my list and no one can tell me that Bottoms up, Little Freak, Monster, Hello Good Morning, or WooHoo didn’t knock. Plus she had the greatest line ever, “Cassie you’re a bad bitch Imma call you Lassie” no one spits nonsense better than Roman.
Honorable Mention: Tik Toc by Ke$ha, BMF by Rick Ross, and Black And Yellow by Wiz
WORST SONG OF THE YEAR
Soulja boy “Pretty Boy Swag”. Listen to it.
Honorable Mentions: My Chick Bad Remix, Toot it and Boot it, Like A G6
WOMAN OF THE YEAR: Oprah. This lady has her own TV network… not show, not Laundromat, not soul food stand… network.
CUNT OF THE YEAR: Beyonce. How dare this bitch not put out a triple CD set for the holidays with five songs on each disc? What was she busy doing? Playing the Portia De Rosi to Lady GaGa’s Ellen? Sacrificing Solange’s un-virgin hair to the dark lord Satan in hopes that Old-Z would score another hit record? Sasha Fierce should have been in the bedroom making illuminati babies, oh wait maybe she was and we never got to see little Baby Bey bare the mark of the beast because she promised her first born to Rumpelstiltskin. Imagine Beyonce in her best bad actress voice “You gon’ take my baby Rumpelstiltskin? You just gon’ leave me with nothing but this house of derion blouse and a cup of lemonade with cayenne pepper? Damn you to hell!” oh Beyonce my life isn’t complete without your evil.
BEST TWITTER OF THE YEAR: There are some dumb people on Twitter and I don’t mean dumb as in funny, but dumb as in “did you really write that” I follow a lot of those people just because I need a laugh and to be reminded that there are still “those people” in this world. Then there are people who are cool as hell (#CFR represent) and keep me entertained all day long. I’m thinking about breaking off my engagement so I can marry @DaREALAshley and my boy @hardcore_rob is the reason I even check my timeline, but when it comes to the best of the best it was an easy choice. @girlyousoextra Is the Winner. To say I love her is an understatement, if I was a girl with large breast and a passion for watermelon flavored lollipops she would be me. If you’re not following her then you should take your ass back to Facebook and let Zuckerberg continue to rape your Social Security Number.
Honorable mentions @DymeLatte, @handsumdevil, and @Cynstyle,
BEST BLOG OF THE YEAR: You have to check this one out <——–>
COMMENTER OF THE YEAR: A lot of you read and email me, but don’t comment and I don’t’ mind, because when I read blogs I rarely say shit, niggas ain’t got time to be signing in… we lazy. But I read every comment on here multiple times from Nia Z’s ratchetness to 49er dudes strangeness, I always get a kick out those who comment anonymously and nonynmously, but the commenter of the year goes to Eyes On The Prize.
MAN OF THE YEAR: I would love to say Barack Obama. But he ain’t do shit but take a hard foul on the basketball court. I’m going with the son of God Tim Tebow because he brought me the one thing I care about in life, and that’s a Denver Broncos win.
BITCH NIGGA OF THE YEAR: Young Jeezey. He dropped an okay mixtape that people listened to for a week then fell off into Curtis Jackson territory. This hating ass nigga goes and makes a subliminal diss song aimed at Ricky Ross, shoots a video in Miami taunting the Teflon Don, then says the most clichéd rapper thing ever “I wasn’t talking about nobody in particular” What a fucking lame.
THE BASIC BITCH OF THE YEAR: Kat Stacks. This time last year the only people who knew who Kat Stacks was were the extra niggas in Young Money and maybe one of the niggas from Onyx. And that’s how it should have stayed. We don’t know the bitches who Vinnie from Naughty By Nature was fucking. The chick that use to suck Daz and Kurupt’s dick remains anonymous as she raises kids somewhere in Long Beach. Hoes should never have the spotlight. Correction hoes who aren’t fucking Presidents, heads of states, or niggas who are wealthy—not rich. No one outside of BlackTwitter knows who the fuck this hoe is, because mainstream America would laugh at the thought of this Master Splinter looking bitch being a celebrity because she sucked Gudda Gudda’s dick. They would laugh that a nigga calls himself Gudda Gudda. What makes Kat so Basic is that she did what all basic bitches do—she kissed and told.
WORD THAT SHOULDN’T MAKE IT OUT OF 2010: Deuces. That shit is gay and it don’t even like boys. Don’t ever walk away from me and say no stupid shit like “Deuces” and then chuck it up while looking softer than Penny Lane on Almost Famous; I will run behind you and lock you in the Million Dollar Dream until you lose consciousness.
WORD THAT SHOULD BE USED MORE IN 2011: Mouth Rape. Use it in a sentence, go ahead.
PERSON WHO SHOULDN’T MAKE IT OUT OF 2010: Antoine Dodson. A nigga tried to rape your sister, now you famous because you got on the news sounding sweeter than a diabetic before the foot came off. How do you know that nigga wasn’t just drunk off of four loko and climbed in the wrong house thinking it was his baby mammas crib? I love America because anyone can make money regardless of your talent level, and I usually love to see niggas win, but I never want to hear his name again in 2011.
LAMEST BEEF: RazB Vs. Chris Brown trumps Lil Kim’s wack attempt at taking shots by far. These niggas sing songs. I repeat they sing songs about love making and heartache, you can’t be a Goon when you know all the choreography to Aaliyah’s “Are You That Somebody”. One has had his ass penetrated by a man and calls himself Raspberry while the other is best known for proving to the world that Rihanna can’t take a punch. I don’t fuck with either one of them. Just like girls need to Les-bi-honest, Raz needs to meet up with Breezy at a Marriot by the lake with a jar of KY fire & Ice, and do what they really want to do to each other.
BEST SEX POSITION OF THE YEAR: Reverse cowgirl, because I’m lazy.
WORST SEX POSITION: That’s a trick question.
BEST DRINK TO PULL A RATCHET: Moscato
BEST DRINK TO PULL A LADY: Ciroc Berry
BEST TV SHOW: Boardwalk Empire
WORST TV SHOW: Anything on BET including those lame as promos for The Game that makes girls go “Oh my God that’s my show!” bitch we know… we know.
BEST QUOTE OF THE YEAR: “Every Ten years we have a new artist or group that bursts on to the scene and makes an impact that will be felt for generations. It’s 2010 and Dirty Money is that group” -Diddy
Congratulations to the winners. I’m out. Happy New Year and I’ll see you in 2011