So the last four girls you took out didn’t exactly warm up to you. So what if you’ve spent over $600 on patron shots and cheesecake factory meals and only got a two second peck on the lips and a “goodnight friend”. Those late night mass BBM messages asking “what sexy ladies are still up with me” was just a warm up. Those ignorant bitches who log off of FaceBook chat as soon as you send them a message saying “what’s up pretty girl” are out of sight and out of mind. It’s time to man up and unfollow your twitter wifey who stopped responding to your DM’s, she clearly didn’t understand that the pimp you spit can’t be contained in 140 characters that’s why you had to keep @’ing her like that. so it’s been 9 months since you last got some from that “slow” girl, but on the real, you haven’t really been trying—you’ve been too busy for chicks getting that money. …Okay so you don’t have a job and you have been trying, but don’t get down playboy– It’s not you—it’s them.
Look on the bright side it’s October 31st, and for one weekend—Mr. Thirsty, it’s your time to win.
Don’t: Chill at home and work on your approach to holla at women.
Do: Go out and eye fuck bitches like you’ve never seen an ass in spandex and a pasted on bunny tail.
Look, they dress like this for you my man. If she didn’t want you screaming out “damn” or asking the asinine question of “Who you suppose to be? A Cat” she wouldn’t come out dressed like a cat. Feel free to blatantly eyeball the fuck out of that slutty cat while making the same small talk about her costume that the last 12 niggas have made. It’s all good.
Don’t: Keep your hands to yourself.
Do: Wait until she turns around, rub her ass, and then look away as if the white dude next to you did it.
She’s dressed like Nicki Minaj, then why not give that ass a smack and say something smooth like “I just wanted to see if it was real” ZING! She’ll be won over by your witty ways and won’t think you’re a weirdo, no sir. These girls come out to be fondled and molested by guys as cool as you. I mean who else would be clever enough to tell that hoe who’s dressed like a cop “So, when are you going to arrest me” then follow it up with a Lil Wayne “Mrs. Officer” line—No one but you—you’re so money.
Don’t: Act civilized around other niggas.
Do: Bogard pussy that’s not yours even though you’re in a room full of chicks that have on nothing but fishnets and two sided tape.
See that nigga over there talking to the darkskin girl with Vampire fangs and the fat ass? Why is he hating? He didn’t decide to talk to her until he saw you make eye contact with the broad. Yeah you didn’t approach her, but you were taking your time. 20 minutes of waiting for her to look over. Another 20 minutes of you dancing close to her. One more hour and you would have started a conversation of your own. But no! Here’s that clown in the Dead President makeup making her laugh. That’s your girl. I mean how old is that movie anyway? Fuck it, don’t go over and say anything. Just mug him for the rest of the night, eventually he’ll get the point and leave your girl alone… then you scoop in. Oh yeah– You are the fucking man!
Don’t: Be creative with your costume.
Do: Be lazy.
Real pimps don’t go to the costume store. Hell no. We look in our little sister’s closets and find some G shit to throw on. Blazer, dark shades, her black pearl earrings—BAM you’re a member of the Illuminati. Hold up, put that flannel on, some dickies—look yall I’m Jody from Baby Boy. All you got to do is call every girl Yvette and they’ll totally get it. Grandma ain’t using her wheelchair tonight—You can be Drake when he was on Degrassi, bitches love little Jimmy. Or better yet go super OG and throw on your Celtics Jersey and a headband— Paul Pierce nigga! What! Who needs to buy shit to make an impression? Not you captain oh my captain.
Don’t: respect her boundaries
Do: Try to finger her through that leotard.
Okay, you finally got that chick in the Sasha Fierce “Single Ladies” costume to dance with you after a few shots. She even screamed out “this my song!” and threw it back on you. Now is your chance to go for the finger poke of doom. You’ve been sharpening that fingernail for months—it’s sharp enough to split a Dutch in two, so you know it’ll have no problem shredding her two dollar leotard. Its okay, she wants to be fingered or else she wouldn’t be out on Halloween. You have your New York Fitted on and have been saying “It’s the Roc” so this girl must know you’re in a Jay-Z costume. Go for that crotch rub, what’s the worst that can happen?
Don’t: Go Home.
Do: Hang outside of the club for longer than you need to.
So you got put out of the club because you sexually assaulted that ratchet version of Beyonce. Who cares, I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding. Just post up. All this ass walking by. Look Indians—GaGa’s—Even Precious—wait she doesn’t have on a costume she’s just big… Chill outside the club, eventually some girl will stop and say—“oh my god, you’re so handsome, you have on a bath robe and glasses, you must be Harry Potter! What a fucking awesome costume! And the way you stand against that dirty brick building undressing girls who are virtually naked anyway really turns me on!” Yup, that’s what will happen. Its only 1:30am everyone knows the real freaks don’t come out until 2:12am. Yeah boy, those are the girls who are really down to get it popping. Tonight is your night.
Don’t: Tell anyone you sat outside for three hours looking at bitches while updating your Twitter status.
Do: Tell people how you got mad numbers and fucked this Chick dressed in a yellow jumpsuit like The Bride from Kill Bill.
So you went home by yourself and masturbated to the mental images of all the girls who walked by you. It’s cool, because that same left hand you’re beating your dick with, touched five and a half butts and possibly a transsexual man’s tittie. You may have frozen your nuts off in your Tupac wife beater costume but it was worth it, because you saw girls half dressed. Sure you could have just downloaded porn and saved yourself the cost of two clubs and several drinks, but you got to see that Asian chick dressed like Alice in Wonderland show her panties when she busted her ass in the middle of the street.
You won Mr. Thirsty. You came. You saw. And you took your ass back home.
Have fun but be safe this Halloween ladies. Dress as slutty as you want to (I do accept pictures emailed to me), drink tell your head spins, but beware—Mr. Thirsty is out there…