I was trying to figure out why I don’t like Bad Girls Club Miami, I mean they have all the components I usually look for in trashy reality TV, lesbians, heroin addicts, ugly girls who think they’re dimes—but why does this season rub me the wrong way— Because of Catya Washington the “model” from Philly who claims to be high class because she’s done music videos and fucked Beanie Segal. Yes Beanie Segal. Her elitist attitude has ruined the entire show for me because she’s the epitome of the type of girl I hate, The Hood Model who’s sorta made it. I’m not hating on her, I don’t deny that despite the Manish face, she has a nice body that I would probably masturbate to if I was 13, but she’s a cliché’. I respect models— not big butt rapper fuckers who take bikini pictures as if it’s high art—wow you’re bent over a chair while looking over your shoulder—what talent!
Heidi Klum is a Model. Selita Ebanksis a model. Even fat ass Kristie Alley is a model. It’s not about waist size, height, or skin color. So what makes a model— Define that shit Wikipedia: a person who is employed for the purpose of displaying and promoting fashion clothing or other products and for advertising or promotional purposes or who poses for works of art.
The key word is EMPLOYED. Is anyone paying you to stand against that brick wall behind your grandma’s house wearing that bathing suit or are you doing it just so you can have a new facebook default? It’s ironic that the same bitches trolling twitter talking about “off to my shoot, FML” are the same ones that make fun of dudes because they’re trying to be rappers. The thing about rapping is that even the most off beat nigga can shoot a viral YouTube video and get some desperate record exec to give them a deal. In comparison the baddest bitch in all of Woodlawn Maryland can take the BEST PICTURE EVER and still be fucked. There is no YouTube for Hood Models. No one at Elite is going to click on a video called “Peanut got a donk” and send the private jet to sign your ass.
Let me tell you about HOOD MODEL. See Hood Model is hard headed, you can’t tell her anything because she’s a bad chick who drinks top shelf tequila and rides in foreign cars—or that’s what her newfaces profile says… Hood Model’s argument is “My homegirl got her pictures to such and such and she did some runway shows”. First I would say, “Walking the High School gym stage that’s set up like a catwalk isn’t Fashion Week, it’s the Fashion Club”. But yes, some girls get lucky and get discovered off of a rough headshot, others work hard, take PROFESSIONAL pictures create a portfolio and bust their ass to get noticed. Hood Model isn’t that young lady who does her homework and invests money into making it a career. Hood Model uploads pictures on modelmayhem.com and then sits on her ass waiting for someone to email her.
Signs That You Are HOOD MODEL:
-Critics say your newest pictures are the best ones yet… and by critics I mean thirsty Facebook niggas who comment on your wall.
-You have a portfolio… it’s a Rite Aid envelope filled with pictures your cousin took.
-You say “I’m a model” but your name badge says Sales Associate.
-Your photographer is an African who keeps telling you “Take your top off for Umbi!”
-You still think Myspace friends equate to fans.
-The only designers you know are Versace, Louie, and Prada.
You don’t need to be able to count to ten without using your fingers, but you should know more designers than just the ones you hear Nicki Minaj name drop. “Girl this hoe said she rocking Pucci, I was like you mean Gucci?”… Um yeah, Brooklyn Decker does not have to fear Hood Model.
Hood Model doesn’t care about designers, that’s white girl shit, Hood Model is cute and stacked and on her way to being the next Tahiry… which means absolutely nothing. I’m sorry to say that the Era of the Video Vixen is OVER. The days of buttafaces booking Nelly videos for 5 G’s a day aren’t coming back. Have you seen Rap videos today? They’re shot on soundstages against white backgrounds. Labels don’t even want to pay for proper lighting, what makes you think that they are going to pay Nessa from Newark more than 500 dollars to show up and shake her ass for 14 hours?
So where does Hood Model go once the videos are gone? She goes to Club Niggity Nig where she’s paid a couple hundred dollars to host “Free Vodka” night. But since all of those VH1 hoes have taken over all of the even hosting jobs, Hood Model has to do some print work so her name can ring bells. No way a darkie is getting into Maxim as a home town hottie so what’s left—Smooth Magazine (how prestigious) King (not unless you’re fucking a rapper/actor/ballplayer) Black Tail (it’ll pay the rent). My personal favorite is Show Magazine, it’s a lingerie magazines with Black or Latina chicks on the cover and a must scan whenever I’m in 7-11 shoplifting browsing. Here’s what Show’s poorly proofed Website has down in order to become one of their “Girls”:
Please fill out the form below and submit four glamour bikini or lingerie shots that show you from every angle including a headshot. All models who qualify will be invited to Los Angeles, CA to audition for all of our publications and SGE. You will then be invited to do a paid shoots for SHOWGirlz Exclusive where you will be featured in the WebGem section and receive ten retouched images. From there you will then have the opportunity to shoot for an edition of SHOW and receive a $300 fee. All models are responsible for their own travel expenses and accommodations.
$300 won’t cover that plane ticket to Los Angeles let alone leave you with enough money to buy that Nair you desperately need to clean up that stubble before your big shoot. But that’s how you separate the real from the fake, you make them come out of pocket. Hood Model won’t do that, she’ll sit on her laptop and upload some more pictures and be content with people Retweeting her twitpics. Hood Model and Mixtape Rapper are so similar it’s scary. They are both lazy people who see their industries as a chance to get rich quick, when in actuality it takes years of practice and dedication.
We guys love to brag that we smashed a chick that “looked like a model”. But the term “Model” is thrown around so freely and misused that what we’re really saying is that we smashed “a tall hoe with eyeliner and foundation on”. Hood Model has always been around, but it wasn’t until 10 megapixel cameras dropped below $99.99, that the flood gates opened.
Next time you read “I’m a do my sit ups so I can take me some new pictures, niggas going to go nuts” You know that one of your friends has turned into Hood Model, I suggest blocking them from your news feed in order to avoid the stench of attention whoring. Just as Mix Tape Rapper has to leave the comforts of that basement and start doing shows, Hood model has to leave the comforts of the internet and BOOK A JOB, I don’t care if it’s as one of those promo Heineken Girls in the tight shirts, you have to do something to get your face out there, start at the bottom and suck work your way to the top.
If that seems too much like “actual work” you can always bypass the modeling and go straight to what you’re really after– The W. Hotel, Miami Beach—The Dolphins play the Jets September 26th, book a flight to South Beach, pop your fertility pills, and go trap an offensive lineman.