Women who know me outside of this blog ask me one of two questions when they’re talking to me. The First “Why Do I think Black Girls Are Easy”. The 2nd “What do I do to get a man”. The first is easy, the 2nd not so much. For the past week and a half I’ve been asked to help this girl land this guy she likes, and I’ve been pretty useless to her. It blows me away that a pretty girl would be nervous to talk to a guy. For years I thought that the power of the P.U.S.S.Y gave all women the courage to approach any and every dude. Turns out, regardless of looks most women are just as insecure as guys. Truth is, I never thought about how a girl would go about getting a guy, I always thought it was as simple as a Girl giving him her number. Apparently it’s more complicated. So here’s this girl asking me “How?” and I’m blank. She came to me yesterday and said she got shot down. Me: “Why didn’t you wait for my instructions?”Her: “I got sick of waiting. Now I’ve ruined any chance”. I feel bad now because I should have been able to put her in a position to win. Now she’s forced to go without dick and a guy is forced to go without coochie, because she couldn’t articulate a proper date invite. This shall never happen again—I’ve created:
HOW TO HAVE HIM EATING OUT OF YOUR ASS IN 8 SIMPLE STEPS
Step 1: GUYS ARE PUSSY
The stereotype of the alpha male who’s aggressive and as soon as you make eye contact, he’s on you is a misrepresentation. Most guys of the “Sensitive Generation” or “Sissy Gen” are shy, awkward, and don’t know how to read signs. That’s okay; I too am part of this Sissy Gen having to have more than a few women literally throw the pussy in my face to realize they liked me. The first step in bagging a dude is to let go of any preconceived notion of how a man “Should React” to your flirting. Just because he didn’t react to you smiling with your eyes, or patting his shoulder, doesn’t mean he’s not into you. It means that he’s oblivious.
Step 2: YOU ARE THE BADDEST BITCH IN THE ROOM
Confidence Confidence Confidence. Guys love to rank bitches. But just because he looks at a girl across the street and proclaims that she’s a 7 doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t fall head over high-tops for her if she approached him. Ranks mean shit when she’s smiling in your face and being witty. Look at Natalie and her chin. She’s not cute– but would 90% of men fuck her– yes they would. So you may think you’re 3 ½ pounds overweight and that little pimple is larger than Alaska, but in reality the only thing separating Laura Winslow from Alicia Keyes is perception. Have confidence in what you bring to the table, the worlds “out of my league” should never apply to a female, i don’t care if he’s Trey Songz or Trey Johnson.
Step 3: WITTY NOT BITCHIE
Now that we’ve established that you have to do more than laugh at his joke to show that you like him, and you have the confidence to make the first move. Let’s set some rules for engagement. We all love a girl who’s funny, intelligent (but not too intelligent; dumb it down bitch I don’t want to fuck Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman), and generally easy to talk to. Guys hate chicks who try to show you she likes them by talking shit about them. The girl who I was trying to help talked shit about the guy’s car, thinking it was just playful teasing. But making fun of his mini cooper was probably one of the reasons he gave her the brush off. Laughing at him, instead of with him will prove that you’re a bitch, not girlfriend material. Be sassy, not smart mouthed. There is a fine line.
Step 4: PRETEND TO GIVE A FUCK
My Fiancé doesn’t like football. Thinks Comic Books are corny. And sighs at the sight of wrestling. But I guarantee you she can tell you what record the Denver Broncos had last year. The names of all of Peter Parker’s girlfriends, and argue why Randy Orton is a better wrestler than Cody Rhodes. Guys love to talk about stupid shit, and when you’re trying to connect with a guy it’s not mandatory to know what he’s talking about, but being able to do more than change the subject when he mentions that hot new Jeezy song, could go a long way in winning him over. The most talked about thing besides a girl’s ass is the fact that “shorty’s cool” meaning she can talk about shit like Call of Duty or the Lakers as easily as she can talk about shoes.
Step 5: BE AGGRESSIVE! BE BE AGGRESSIVE!
My little brother’s the shiest guy around, but there is a reason that he has a year old baby and a live in girlfriend who would buy him the world. She was aggressive. She saw something she wanted and made it known. Girls always fuck up on this part. Remember Step 1—Get that notion of the Alpha Dog out of your mind, he’s not going to ask you out. Don’t say, “oh well, fuck him, I don’t ask dudes out, I’m not pressed”. You hear that? That’s your ego fucking with you. Are you really willing to let a guy you like slip away because you have some notion of “A guy asks first”? Suck that pride up, fuck that pressed crap, and you go for yours. What’s the worst that can happen? He says no? Remember what I told you—you’re the baddest bitch in the room, he’s not going to say no to a girl who plays NBA2K.
Step 6: CALL DON’T TEXT
You got the number; he knows you’re digging him. Do not blow up his BBM or text him like crazy. While getting to know someone you must TALK. I can’t stress that enough. It’s hard to be witty over text especially when you don’t know that person’s personality.
Her: WaT U doING
Him: washing clothes.
Her: boooo lol :p
Her: j/k lls
That’s why guys don’t text bitches back. We don’t speak that text language shit. Semicolons and weird letters that shit is confusing. Text may be a good way to talk dirty without being shy, but it’s no replacement for a voice.
Step 7: I KNOW YOU’RE CRAZY—BUT DON’T LET HIM KNOW
Women are nuts. Everyone of you beautiful cunts are fucking whacked. That’s cool. But not until three months into the relationship. Don’t go off on a rant about how you “hate Asian bitches” or tell him how you smashed the windows out of your ex’s car. See this as a fresh start; leave all of those weird quirks and relationship baggage at home. There is a limit to what you should share when getting to know someone. Stick to your favorite color and TV shows, we don’t want to hear “oh I’m not eating dinner because I’m on a Lemonade Diet”.
Step 8: DON’T SETTLE
If you followed each one of these steps than you are ready for that first date, and if you have the proper swagger, he’s not only ready to pay for that dinner/movie/liquor store run, he’s ready to suck the ingrown toe-nail off of your pinky– you did it. you got this bastard. If he’s still not feeling you, or you get a friend vibe—know when to walk away. Nothing wrong with taking an L or realizing you two aren’t compatible. It’s cliché but sometimes it’s not you, it’s him. My job is done. My other blogs will help you figure out when and when not to give up the pussy.