What happened to Black girls? While Nerds, Columbine rejects, and basement rappers have flourished in these new technologically advanced times. For some reason Black Women have gotten off to a bad start in the 21st century. If Doc Brown comes to me and says “17, We have to go Back To the Future, its 2084 and Black women are nearly extinct due to ratchetness and cheap lip gloss!” I’d believe that wide eyed old scientist and hop in that DeLorean. It’s 2010 and I already see the signs:
INDIAN HAIR: Having just purchased a few bundles of this bullshit for my lady, let me be the first to say that if 4 oz. of hair cost the same as Space Jam Jordan’s something ain’t right. They give this shit away in India. They eat some curry, take a 5 hour energy and walk their ass up to the temple and have it shaved off. So why the fuck do Black Women (in my case Men) accept this markup in price? Duh, because it looks good. I’m not going to rant about natural kinky vs. that “good shit” and get all self-righteous cus I like fake hair almost as much as I like air conditioning. If I had the money to put weave in all of these chicks hair, I’d be the Pope of Sew ins. Like Cocaine the epidemic didn’t come about because of the pure shit, it’s become a problem because of the low level “crack” sales i.e. the cheap weave.
I use to think the term “Human Hair” meant you’re good to go… no it doesn’t. “Oriental straight” “Baby Ferret wavy” “Sorta Brazilian but not really Brazilian curly” these Korean stores are full of shit that fits any budget. I know times are hard and with some good oil sheen and the right use of Jedi mind control, you can make that $25 a pack hair look good. Most do. But don’t strut around the club with your 10 dollar shades, Forever XXXXVI dress, and mean mug niggas like they’re not on your level—I’ve brought enough Milky Way to know it when I see it. Humble yourself hoe. And if you’re at the end of that spectrum and you’ve got 8 oz. of 24inch Slumdog KILLA weave on lay away yet you can’t pay your sprint bill, rent, or car note—killyaself! Fucked up priorities will be the end of the Black woman.
Skinny Jeans: I remember this friend of mine who was a girl (see how I worded that in case wifey reads this) would say this to me every time I would see her “I’m going to wear my Skinny Jeans this week”. I had no idea what the hell a skinny jean was until I saw her rocking these peter pan looking things in her office. I thought it was some kind of blue tight, but no they were denim. She stood up and twirled for me, without filter I blurted out that she had a phat ass, mind you this chick was 98 lbs. soaking wet so that must have did wonders to her ego that she finally had an ass. Since that day she would count down to the next day she would wear them — like I really cared. A pair of jeans that accents a woman’s body makes her thighs look smaller and ass look bigger—it’s a miracle… or so I thought.
The Skinny Jean plague has run rampant through urban America like Doug’ing. At first it was all good, then certain females started to think skinny jeans was one size fits all. “If you can fit into them, wear it girl” To quote Shakespeare, Where Fort Thou Doish That At? Skinny Jeans are not pajama pants bitch, not everyone can fit into! If you squeeze your wide ass into a pair of skinny jeans, it comes off like a fight between good and evil is being waged in your trousers and the first victim is taste, second victim is class, and the third victim is that poor zipper. If you’re thick in the thighs, rock a skirt, men want to see those big legs accented by a tiny skirt. Don’t try and keep up with the Keri Hilson’s of the world unless you’re willing to eat nothing but coochie and celery stalks like Miss Keri does.
Facebook: When I see that new Facebook movie Social Network, I hope it begins with a scrolling caption “Before Black People Joined…” and then tell the story. If I was white, I’d be racist after seeing how Black people treat their Facebook pages. My other Blog documented the great migration of Blacks to Facebook, but I want to touch on Black Women in particular. Do you see this shit? I’m not talking about the slutty bathroom pics that your mother, grandmother, and assistant store manager can comment on, I’m talking about the dumb ass feed stories and internet slander that goes on all day every day. Hint putting “insider” or “They know who they are” is young as fuck. If you have a problem with your cousin’s girlfriend go inbox that bitch, better yet pick up a phone like in the good old days. I didn’t sign up to be in the middle of a catfight. Twitter was meant to update status all day long; you know what you’re signing up for with twitter. If someone says “eating a sandwich, its good” you can’t say WHO CARES— obviously you do motherfucker because you’ve chosen to follow them.
Women on Facebook write some of the loneliest, attention grabbing shit I’ve ever seen in my life. I once saw a girl update her relationship status four times in the span of a week—one week! If the relationships rocky baby girl shouldn’t you hold off on letting the internet know that you’re engaged until you actually get the ring or at least a clean AIDS test back? Then it’s the playground fights. You delete someone as a friend, add her back, she leaves a smart comment, you tell her stop “Facebook stalking” um didn’t you add her so she could stalk you? And you know who’s effected by all of this personal life Bullshit—EVERYONE because it’s Facebook and if I want to go hit ignore on an RSVP I have to read through this bullshit. Guys stay on Facebook cus they think it’s MySpace with bitches who actually respond back to messages, Girls stay on Facebook because it’s the closest thing to a shallow High School experience since, well, High School.
Kids: Yeah I’m talking about your kids, so what. You ever meet people who talk about their kids, what they’re up to, funny things they’ve done? You can see the love in their eyes, that’s sweet. Pause. no homo. I like children, I like to see children do crazy shit, and hopefully one day I’ll have a litter of little fuckers that I can name after obscure movie characters and make curse. This is what I won’t do when I have kids—Leave them with their aunt/granny/godmother/13 year old neighbor while I’m running the streets. Some Black Women are hilarious when it comes to motherhood. You’ve met this chick. She’s always partying, never talks about having a kid, and lives life more carefree than you do. This same deadbeat mom with Remy hair and a Dior bag suddenly wants to name drop her two year old. But only when she can’t get in the club or wants gas money, “I got a mouth at home to feed I can’t afford to be paying 20 dollars to get in a club! I put my last five in my tank!” Or maybe she doesn’t have a date that night, or she’s mad at her Bust It Goon, so she posts on Facebook “Just chilling with my little man tonight, he all I need, fuck these niggas”. LMFAO! Really? You’re only a mother when you’re broke and want to guilt someone into paying for something or when you’re lonely and have nothing to do but hang out with your little bastard. That’s wrong on so many levels, but I see it all the time. Those rednecks on Teen Mom don’t got shit on the shitty parenting skills of some of you grown and sexy hoes.
Black Men: Black Women are intelligent, sexy, and compassionate among many things. Of all women I think the Black Woman has the skill set to survive, adapt, and basically make something out of nothing. Use what she has to get what she wants and then some. I thought we would see a Black Woman president before a Black Man… so what happened? Niggas. You can take the most put together Black Woman on the planet, but once a nigga puts those hooks in… it’s a wrap. I don’t care if you’re a Law Student or working the video game section at Best Buy, once a nigga dicks you down, or talks that good talk—you will throw everything away. And if you don’t you’ll come close to it. I’ve seen mighty women brought to tears and become emotionally unhinged after a man does her dirty. Ever hear the term “niggas ain’t shit” it’s like BEWARE OF DOG when you’re little. Just like that hard headed kid who throws his ball in the yard and goes to get it knowing he’s going to get a chunk of his ass bitten out, Black Women will read all of the books, see all of the warning signs, and have years of experience—but if the nigga’s game is tight—she’ll enter that yard.