Have you ever begged for Pussy? If you have a penis the answer is yes. We’ve all done it; I don’t care how strong your pimp hand is. Be it that chick who you fingered in 7th grade or your drunk home girl who’s ass you palmed in the club even though you were suppose to be “just friends”. We’ve all been in situations where our game wasn’t on point or the girl was just a particularly hard nut to crack so we had to resort to the dreaded “c’mon, why you playing”. A girl can know when she’s going to give you the ass. A guy has no control of Dick Distribution, he’s like a FedEx truck packed to the top with no instructions, waiting for some girl, sometimes any girl, to give us the okay to deliver the goods. Why do we try so hard? I mean if a girl knows before the appetizer at Applebee’s if she’s going to fuck you or not, why the fuck are you going to sit around asking her dumb ass getting to know you questions that you don’t care about? Why not say, “Bitch, I don’t care if you like Violet and sky blue equally! Is you or is you not gonna give me the pussy?” Because it’s a game, and it’s a game that EVERY GUY HAS A CHANCE TO WIN. That’s right. You right there reading this with the fucked up eye, and man boobs, you and every other guy in this world has a shot. It’s called the rule of 1%.
Every guy has a 1% chance of fucking any girl. The percent rises but it never falls. That’s better than the Lottery, and you don’t have to be Bow Wow’s punk ass to win it. One thing I notice about females is that they’re the most optimistic people in the world, they see potential in almost anybody and will at least talk to you (as long as their homegirls don’t see them talking to one of these “AHH Real Monsters”). Even the hardest, most hating chick has a heart sweeter than project kool-aid. Niggas exploit two things about bitches—One being that soft interior. The second being the fact that they can’t say no to a free meal.
You meet a girl. Girl’s out of your league, meaning prettier than any girl you’ve ever been with, or cost more to take out than what you got in the bank account. You know this and she knows this. But why does she proceed to give you her number and agree to go on a date with you—1) She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and giving out a fake number is so Teen Nick. 2) Bitches can’t say no to a free meal. So she’s out with you, she texts her friend, “I doubt it” in regards to her fucking you. The key is “doubt it” which means no, unless something dramatic happens… hmmm.
HOW TO RAISE THAT 1% to a “SHE MIGHT FUCK” 40%
Amazing Personality: Be funny, engaging, and random. I use to be the king of random conversations before I got handcuffed. Girls love to be entertained. Talking about an ex-boyfriend or Obama’s response to BP oil is a recipe for a bitch ordering dessert and getting it to go on your boring ass. Keep it light and fun.
Kanye West Ego: I don’t care if you broke and drive your mamma’s Hyundai… I got a lot of ass in my mammas Elantra. The key is to be cocky, confident, and arrogant to the point where she begins to believe that you’re the next big thing.
Bullshit: Not recommended for everyone. But if she’s willing to believe that a guy rocking a Southpole shirt is worth a quarter mil, then go for it.
Now that you’ve gotten past dinner without her rushing off after the bill is paid, it’s time to turn the swag up from Soulja Boy to The Old Spice Guy level. The hard part isn’t getting her to like you. It’s getting her to like you in that way. You know, not the let’s go bowling and talk about what happened on True Blood kind of way. The let’s try this shit I read in Zane’s last book kind of way.
HOW TO RAISE THAT 40% to a “GOT THEM TITTIES OUT NUGGA” 70%
Alcohol: Remember this isn’t a relationship. This is a getting to know you event. Face it, this is a bad bitch, she can have any guy she wants. You need to level the field and turn this lady into a slut. Shots.
Money: I’m not saying pay for it. Just show her you’re holding (what you mean you’re not holding, borrow it form ya mother, this is your chance at 5 star ass). Even if she’s not materialistic, seeing that you’re living larger than first appeared is a sure fire way to loosen up those bra straps. This is no longer a date with an average looking dude. This is a Wall Street investment and this bitch is Gordon Geeko.
Alcohol: I know, it feels like cheating, suppose she gets sloppy and vomits, what can you do with that? I can’t help you in judging a woman’s ability to hold her liquor. Use the Force, feel her out, and know when she’s at that “right” point.
You’re at what white kids in the 80’s called 2nd base. This is the most important part. Trust me. I have a few girls (I see you, ya cock tease) who still owe me for leaving me hanging at this point. She’s half naked; she’s open to sex with you, then BAM! Jiminy fucking Cricket pops up on her shoulder telling her “You shouldn’t do this, you’re being a dirty little whore”. Some guys skip those other steps and start right at this point and fail. So pay close attention.
HOW TO RAISE THAT 70% to a “DICK’S IN, I WIN” 99%
Guilt: I’ve tried being nice, romantic, sensitive… that shit doesn’t work at this point in the game. So you have to make your Dick a victim. Words like “That’s fucked up” or “You going to do me like that” and my all time favorite reverse psychology line “That’s cool. I didn’t really feel like it anyway”. Will have even the strongest woman second guessing her conscious. It may seem like a bitch ass way of getting the nookie, but hey it works.
Music: Don’t underestimate the power of the R&B nigga. I’ve never been one for music. I prefer to hear that low whimper/moan as I revel in my box spring victory, but girls have told me music has literally put them in the mood to go. So put the Rick Ross up playa, and turn on those slow jamz. yuuuuppp!
Drugs: Slip a pill in her drink, wait 30 minutes until she’s knocked out cold and then
Lie: I really like you. Yo, you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. I’m going to call you tomorrow. You smart. Oh My God yo, it’s like me and you are the same person. Damn! I’ve never met a person like you. You cool as fuck, shorty. I want to take you places, Miami, Hawaii, you need to be pampered. Moms would love you. I cook, girl. Your body looks fine, keep the lights on. I’ll put on two condoms, don’t even worry about that.
There you are… you’re at 99% because 100% doesn’t exist. Why? Because we’re men, and men can always find a way to fuck up even the easiest shot at pussy by saying things like, your home girl sexy… I don’t like girls who wear weave… or the classic “Let me just eat it”. That’s a quick way to fuck up everything you’ve worked so hard for and get back to that 1%.
Go out this weekend and aim high above your usual ratchets and lonely fat girls, I’ll be with you in spirit to cheer you on. Yes You Can.