Not a week goes by that I don’t hear about FBRD (Face Book Related Drama) from Black Folks. My white friends never call me telling me about how they ready to “beef wit a nigga” over a status update, they just post pictures of hiking trips and their dogs. So what is it about Facebook that has Black people so twisted? Personally I rarely check my facebook. To me it’s something totally weird about a website where your Mother, Ex-Girlfriend, Ex-Jump-off, and the guy you haven’t seen since 5th grade can all see what the hell you’re doing. I like attention but not as much as I like privacy. My Facebook updates are relegated to “Lakers Yeah” and “Sex And The City 2 sucked”. I leave the cursing and sex talk for Twitter. On Twitter you choose to follow that asshole, on Facebook you’re stuck with them because they were your cousin’s best friend from High school and you don’t want to seem rude.
Scanning through a Facebook Newsfeed feels like you’ve walked in on a conversation you never wanted to hear. I pressed LIKE one time when a girl made a comment about a TV show. Next thing you know, my blackberry is getting updates throughout the conversation. I had no interest in this woman’s financial problems, how her baby father was doing, any of that. I simply hit LIKE, I didn’t want to be included in that bullshit. So I don’t LIKE anything these days. But I still can’t get away from the drama.
The four types of people on Facebook:
The Poster: Post several times a day, as if Facebook is a Diary. Kim, you told me you were in the house with your daughter an hour ago, saying “We’re having so much fun watching SpongeBob” isn’t worth a new status update.
The Attention Whore: A person who is always cosigning someone else’s status, but doesn’t add anything. They’ll put “Yup that’s so true” someone else will respond, they’ll put “@suchandsuch Yup that’s so true! Lol” I want to strangle these people.
The Stalker: “Yo I saw Shrek the other day and the little boy was like Do The–” he cuts you off, “Yeah I read your Facebook update about it…” But you don’t even have Facebook homie…
Facebook as Text: This is the person that communicates on Facebook as if it’s a text message. “Where you going” “I’m a be there in five”. Um, don’t you have their number? Use it.
And a special mention to people like the Girl above who use Stupid fucking Nicknames. It’s Facebook not Myspace leave the “Temeka tittymilk Jones” shit alone.
Then the Chat thing is crazy. I never turn my chat on because I have no need to talk to the guy I met standing outside of the men’s room in Vegas. I may see an old friend, like oh let me send him a message. But how often does that happen? My face book has become full of people I’ve met in passing and who’ll say, “Hey I’ll facebook you” you can’t say “No don’t face book me!” You smile and tell them your last name like “Yeah friend me man”.
My good friend is married and he and his wife are friends on Facebook (BIG NO NO) he’s a guy that has had relations with a good 200 women in his lifetime. But with that baggage comes a lot of old flames on Facebook. So I get a call like “son I’m bout to get divorced” this is only a few weeks after I got engaged, so I’m like damn marriage is some bullshit. I ask him what happened. He says “she read my facebook wall” WHAT THE FUCK? You fitna get divorced because your woman read your facebook wall. So I did what any nosey dude would, I logged on, because I’m friends with both of them and read the walls. She’s dogging him out on the wall about trust and being broke. His wall is about how women are supposed to support their man. And you see Attention whores writing “Yup, that’s so true” on both walls.
My other homeboy got into it with a girl claiming to be the baby mother of one of his facebook friends he tagged in a picture. Imagine going to a picture in a photo album and seeing this long as heated argument about “that’s my baby father; tell that nigga to come see his son.” Why are you on a Facebook Photo? Why aren’t you in court? A dozen people were in the conversation, some claiming it was him, others saying she was crazy. But the point is—Why the fuck are you Facebook Stalking looking for your Baby’s daddy? There’s a lot of other crazy shit, but I’m not going to put anyone on blast with the really heavy shit. But I’ve heard stories from stolen passwords; coming out of the closet, etc… it’s a big internet mess. Then there are the Games. I have no idea what the fuck a Farmville is nor do I have a desire to join your Mafia. My Girl sits up and plays yoville for hours. Her chat box open, lol’ing and shit. But guess what? I don’t care because I’m not facebook friends with her ass.
Here’s the key. Go on Facebook, talk to your friends, it’s all good. But don’t add your girlfriend or wife to your facebook if you’re going to POKE your Ex-Girlfriend or be Jealous because She hit LIKE on some dude’s status about using Magnum condoms. Don’t add your Parents to your Facebook if you’re going to update “smoking this blunt” and don’t add your Boss to your Facebook if you’re going to Mobile Upload a photo of you out at a bar knowing you didn’t show up to work. I like my friend Christy because she doesn’t upload pictures of her ass in the bathroom, have updates about “Fuck niggas, men ain’t shit” or ask me to cook in her Café World. Christy writes “At six flags” or “Glee was great tonight” sure she’s probably a mess in real life, but she keeps her shit where it belongs—OFF THE INTERNET.