Prom Time. Young men book cheap hotel rooms months in advance in order to finally lay their high school sweetheart. Young women sort through several variations of the color blue in order to create the tackiest dress in history. Let’s face it. Graduation is for your parents and family, not you. In an age where a trained monkey can get a High School Diploma, kids don’t give a flying fuck about “walking the stage”. For the student, Prom is the real graduation. The last time to hang out with people you didn’t really like in the first place. But for most it’s all about sex.
When I was in High School I had a girlfriend throughout my senior year, she was cool, gave good head yada yada, but by the time Prom had come around I was in lust with this light skin honey who was also taken. Although we wanted to go to prom together, we were committed to other people. So I took my girlfriend to prom, and she went with her boyfriend. But secretly we planned on meeting up afterwards at the hotel to do what we really wanted to do… fuck like rabbits. Needless to say I stayed at my prom for all of one hour. Took my girlfriend to the hotel, smashed, then made up an excuse to drop her off early. Drove to my mistress’s house, took her back to the same hotel room, smashed, then took her home and spent the rest of the day… all together now—“fucking like rabbits”. Good times.
Years later I would talk to my college buddies about their crappy prom experiences and it ranged from the boring to the regretful. I’m thankful that I had two great women in my life that made my Prom epic, so it’s only right to Pay It Forward in order to give the Kids attending Proms this month some tips.
THE RULES OF PROM SEX
-Don’t Go With A Group: Four of your buddies + four of her girls = beating your dick at 4am. I understand you want to split costs for the limo, but it’s not practical if you want to get her alone and smash. One of the girls will get an attitude and want to leave early and your date will be stuck playing the part of the “friend” leaving you on rock without a hole.
-Skip The Waffle House: Are you really that hungry at 1am? You’re young so maybe you just want to say, “hey I’m hanging late tonight”, fuck that. You’re wasting valuable time. Eat before hand, or stop by the Wendy’s drive through. Stay focused on the coochie my friend.
-No compliments: There will be a lot of sexy chicks at Prom. Even nerdy Kim with the lazy eye will be looking hot in her lavender get up, but don’t you dare say it. There’s Pam with the phat ass… don’t look. Keep focused on your date. Make her feel like she’s the best looking chick there. One sideways glance and she’ll be like “I’m ready to go”.
-No liquor: Before you tell your deadbeat cousin to make a run to the liquor store for the Grey Goose, think about this. Can you handle your liquor? An 18 year old who only drinks sometimes usually can’t. You’ll get smashed, make an asshole of yourself, and turn your date off. Or you’ll just fall asleep inside her, either way not a good look.
-Play The Guilt Card: Even though it’s prom, that doesn’t mean she has to have sex with you, it’s not guaranteed, sorry. But the one thing I’ve learned as a teenager is that girls don’t like being guilted. Never say, “But this is our last night together” unless you want to go home and dry hump the pillow. Keep it sweet, simple, and make it seems like she’s the one you’re going to marry one day.
-No Kids: There are a lot of Teen Moms, that’s cool, but find a babysitter for her kid(or kids). Don’t end up like this guy.
-Canadian Viagra: Even as a kid it could happen. You’re in front of a naked chick and the equipment isn’t working because of nerves. You’ve been talking about beating it up for an entire semester now it’s your chance, but your snake is limp. Get on the internet and cop some of Canada’s best generic V. Pop a half a pill before you walk into prom, better safe than sorry.
-Bring Condoms: I can’t stress this enough. Post prom pregnancy is an epidemic, and unlike Post Homecoming pregnancy, the likely hood for an abortion is low. She gets pregnant after prom; there is no fear of having to go to school with a baby bump. School’s over and for some girls motherhood couldn’t have come at a better time. Wrap it up!
-Video cameras are better than a Yearbook: If your boy doesn’t have a date, just have him hide out in the hotel room for the night. When you come through he’s in the closet filming the best night of your life for future entertainment.
-Book in advance: The hotels fill up quickly in the area. Save your pennies and make sure you do it right in a NICE hotel. You don’t want a roach crawling on her stomach while you’re giving her head.
And for my ladies this is the most important lesson…
-DON’T GIVE UP THE PUSSY: How cliché is it to have sex on prom night? Why give in to male demands and spread your legs just because it’s expected? You didn’t get your hair, nails, and toes done, have your eyebrows arched, and pay your aunt to hand glue all of those rhinestones on your dress just to be fucked in the Radisson like some basic bitch. Have some self respect, know your worth, prom isn’t a honeymoon, it’s just a gathering. Don’t let these boys guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do, I don’t care if you’ve been dating for years, this isn’t the “perfect time” it’s just another day. Go to prom, dance, have fun, be young, go out to eat, but at the end of the night return home to your stuffed animals and Trey Songz posters. He’ll be mad, but you’ll be able to look at that keychain picture the next morning and see a lady who respects her body, not some hoe who gave it up because it was Prom Night.