Being from Baltimore aka murder land, I often think about situations here in Los Angeles that I go through and how my homeboys or homegirls would react to them. Sometimes it’s “I wish so and so were here” but most of the time it’s “I’m glad so and so isn’t here”. But I think in general things in life are always funnier when black people are involved, not any old average Black person, I mean a straight up nigga with no buffer or inhibitions.
9 Things Enhanced By Niggerish Behavior:
9) Karaoke: there is nothing wrong with getting up in front of a group of drunken people and singing your favorite song… if you’re white. I was with my friend Kei-Kei at a Karaoke bar and she was all for it until she saw the playlist. “What the fuck, all yall got is motherfucking Britney Spears, don’t nobody know that shit.”
8) Golf Courses: My cousin called me once and said I needed to come home and go golfing. “We be doing our Tiger woods shit yo!” and by that he meant they would play 18 holes while drinking Henny and trying to pop wheelies on golf carts. If they actually played golf still remains a mystery.
7) 3pm After High School Let’s Out: Nothing like watching your 20 something year old friends pick up on Jailbait ass and start fights with 16 year olds. Oh yeah and something about really loud music and polished rims just gets an underclassmen’s panties wet.
6) Music Concerts: “My mans and them got hotter shit than he do.” Then why the fuck did you pay to come to his concert? How can you not love Angry Rap fan who sits motionless in a sea of bodies giving you reasons why 2pac would have killed this show way better.
5) Fast Food Drive Thrus: If you’ve never fucked with the chick at the drive thru window than you’re not Black. “Damn Shorty sound good” 7times out of 10 Shorty may sound good while taking your order, but when you drive up to that window and see Precious, it’s not a good look. Is there something in the rule book that says it’s cool to yell “You ugly as fuck!” to the cashier after she hands you the food?
4) Double Dates: One time we were at some restaurant in the county with these two chicken heads. As soon as these smuts sit down, their eyes focus in on green bills… “Oh shit, girl, Somebody left some money!” no bitch, that’s called a tip from the people who were here before us. Needless to say these chickens split the waitress’s tip money. At the end, my “date” has the nerve to ask me if I was going to leave a tip. Trifling hoes are priceless.
3) Watch Kids Programming: When you’re high nothing is off limits while watching TV. Including Dora the Explorer and her virginity. “The phat ass on that Teletubbie”, “Would you hit Nyla or Princess Jasmine” hint, doesn’t matter if one is a lion. And the always important “How much pussy does Elmo get?”
2) The White Boy Bar: College Night is great at bars. Discounted drinks, beer pong, tons of girls named Amber who love to dance badly. After a few drinks it doesn’t matter if there is no rap in the rotation and they keep calling every white guy “Dude-Bro” in a racist accent, it’s always a good time because it has plenty of our favorite thing– white women. Totally.
1) The Movies: The Movies and your homeboy’s living room is the same place, keep that in mind. Shit like standing up to stretch, drinking Bud Ice, and trying to get head from the girl two rows down, is to be expected. Rule of thumb, every actress is either “phat as shit” or “ugly as shit” there is no grey area. Every question begins with “Isn’t that the bitch from…” And no matter how much they say “this is tight” throughout the movie, after the credits roll the critique will always be, “It was aight, wasn’t better than Shottas, that shit was real.”.