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Black People and their stupid movies

I was reading a comment post a few months ago about the news that Hollywood was going forward with Big Momma’s House III. In this post someone said, “I don’t understand why Black people just don’t watch White movies”. I went through the range of emotions. The first being how ignorant is this asshole to think that 100% or even 90% of the audience for this movie is Black? I don’t doubt that a Black couple on a date would probably pick a movie with Martin Lawrence in it over an equally stupid comedy starring Jennifer Aniston. But in no way should someone assume “oh they’re making another Big Momma movie so Blacks can have something to watch while Whites are out soaking up the sophistication of The Young Victoria”. That’s total racist bullshit. There is no such thing as a Black Person Movie.

I don’t give a fuck about rainbows or willow trees, but if Quentin Tarantino made a movie about it, I’m there. I can’t relate with a white woman who lost her son in the 1920’s but I went to see Changling because I’m a huge Angelina Jolie fan. A good story, that’s what movies are about for me and I only go see movies made by people who I trust to make a good product. On the other hand there are people like my girlfriend who will want to see something because the trailer looks good. “Ooo bay, can we see 2012!” I reply “it’s directed by Roland Emmerich, he’s a fucking hack”. She has no idea what the hell I’m talking about; I’m just on my movie snob bullshit in her mind. But she is the majority. For most people if a trailer looks good, they’ll go see it. Movies like Next Day Air and Who’s My Caddy didn’t flop because they were aimed at Blacks; they bombed because the trailers looked like shit.

At the same time Hollywood studios are a business and if they can make more money by putting Zack Efron in it than Nick Cannon, that’s smart business not racist. Let’s be honest, Black people don’t make movies. Sure they direct, write, edit, act, and produce. But there aren’t any Black studio heads. There is no Black version of Dreamworks where it’s For Us By Us. So that means projects from Stomp The Yard to The Cookout, all go through the same development process spear headed by non-Black executives who don’t understand the culture.

-Is the script good? Let’s make it better (by better they mean worst)

-Who’s bankable enought to star in it?

-How much is this going to cost us?

-How much money can we net?

A movie about dancing can make a lot more money than a movie about a Black family at a cookout because dance is a nice visual that people in Asia can go see. The only people that cares about a Cookout is… no one. Not even Black people who throw cookouts give a fuck about a movie about a cookout.

On the real, and you know this, The Bootleg man is a staple of the hood. Most of my Mother’s VHS collection consisted of bootleg copies of movies. It’s not because Black people don’t want to go to the movies, Black people love to get out and go anywhere! At the same time Black people don’t want to spend money on something they may not like. You would rather go to Red Lobster than some 5 star joint… why? Because you know you’re going to like Red Lobster. It’s that simple. Going to the movies is a gamble for some families. You and I may not care if you have to pay 18 dollars to see Avatar in 3D but a lot of people don’t have money to blow on a movie that may not live up to expectations. So you buy Avatar, Alice and Wonderland, and Clash of the Titans 3 for Ten from the bootleg man you’re good, “fuck a 3D”.

Hollywood isn’t dumb, they know about the bootleg man in the hood, that’s why movies about Black people are few and far between because they figure “that demographic” isn’t going to go pay to see it. But at the same time they’re under constant watch so they have to make a movie like Our Family Wedding to honor their “Diversity Department”. Sure it won’t make any money at the box office but “niggers and spics” will rent it from the Red Box in front of their liquor store and they’ll break even or even make a few dollars profit.

Death At A Funeral comes out this weekend; it has every famous black person you could think of in it because Chris Rock alone isn’t going to carry it. Martin (without a fat suit) alone isn’t going to carry it. Tracy Morgan alone isn’t going to carry it. But this is an experiment, strength in numbers. Remake a British movie with EVERY famous nigga in it and see who shows up. Damn, why don’t you just do Meanace II Society Part II the revenge of O-Dawg an put every famous rapper in it? But seriously I hope Death at a Funeral does well, I think it looks funny, but my $14.50 (arclight cinemas for life) is going to the movie Kick-Ass because I like the source material and director. I’m sure my mother will call me tomorrow afternoon and says “I just got the DVD of Death at a Funeral”. And I’ll say god bless your heart mother.

To bring it all home, Movies like Big Mommas House aren’t produced for Blacks. It’s a broad comedy that appeals to kids, teens, and adults who like fat jokes. It’s what they call a Commercial movie. You will see the commercial and think “Black People and their stupid movies“ but in reality it’s the opposite. White executives and their stupid exploitation. If no Black people see BMH III, it would still make a shit load of money, because Black don’t make up a large percentage of the movie going audience unless it’s a film by Ty— Tyl—fuck, I can’t say it.

Next Week I’ll touch on that talentless hack known as Ty—shit *clears throat* Tyler Perry.

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